Last Sunday, I
left you hanging…
On purpose.
I know it’s a
cold thing to do, but there was a method behind my apparent madness. The
teacher in me wanted you to draw your own conclusions before I placed further
ideas into your head. It is my sincere hope that you, my cyber sister friend,
have considered my last few points regarding your relationship. I hope that
you’ve asked yourself if your significant other is really loving you the way
God intended, if he is handling business as the leader of your home, and if he
is one to whom you can submit.
So many “good, Christian girls” marry
in hopes to actually be able to submit to a man of God only to realize he’s not
half a man and has even less of God. And so we don’t know what to do because we
think that in order to please God we must please our unplease-able husbands. But
I laugh at the enemy… There is a solution to your problem.
At the risk of
bearing too much of my past, I’d like to revisit my previous points and support
them with anecdotal evidence, some of my own and some of someone else’s.
1. He's your husband, not
God. Yes, we must honor, love, and obey, but there
must always be a place that you preserve for you and your God alone. Elevating
anyone, children included, above the place of the Almighty will open you to
heartache and disappointment. I remember being torn between my relationship
with God and my relationship with my ex-husband. It seemed I couldn’t maintain
my walk with Christ as long as I was trying to please the other. I would
imagine Adam felt the same ambivalence when he watched his beloved taste the
forbidden fruit. Imagine what he must have thought in that moment. She knows this is wrong. She knows this will
separate her from God. So will it separate her from me too? But I LOVE her. I
cannot live without her… But God loved me first, and I love Him! God or Woman?
Woman or God? So he ate the fruit. He chose Woman over God, and as a result
all of mankind fell. What if Adam had not eaten the fruit? Would God have
allowed him to redeem the woman he loved so much keeping our heritage in Eden intact?
Could God redeem your spouse as a response to your faithfulness to Him?
Absolutely! Could things fall into place should you decide to focus solely on
the other person? It’s possible, but not likely. I wish you well either way.
2. If he doesn't
demonstrate Christ-like love for you, be careful about submitting. It could
cost you more than you're willing, or even able, to pay. The Bible says that a man must
love his wife as he loves himself. So if he hates himself……………. Oh ok. A
self-loathing person is bitter, self-destructive, angry, manipulative, and
unforgiving. If these devices are demonstrated in your husband’s interactions
with you, do what you can to keep order in the home, but anything that is
detrimental to you and the family or feels out of sorts, you MUST stand your
ground. I’ve known women who had unfaithful spouses that felt obligated to
sleep with their husbands. Don’t lay yourself down under a man that you know (or even with legitimate reason, think)
is being unfaithful to you. Don’t leave bills unpaid that could affect you
in the long run because he’s “got it under control.” Do what you know is right
to do when it’s time to do it. You’ll have pay later. I had to pay later when I
could’ve stepped up and handled things when I knew he wouldn’t.
3. If his life is out of order, he
cannot be your head. Don't allow someone who lacks self-control to control you.
Two big points here… It
seems this would be common sense, but how many of us chase behind brothers who
lack any restraint in their personal lives? The purpose of a relationship is to
build something. You cannot build with a person who chases thrills, emotional
highs, or any other high for that matter… Strangely enough, folks who lack
self-control attempt to control everything around them. Don’t be that kind of victim.
I wish a brotha would ask to see my grocery store receipt to calculate my drive
time home. I have a Chemistry degree, and I know how to use it.
4. Submission is mutual. He needs
to submit to you as well. I laugh when I hear
stories of young grooms demanding their brides to do as they say because the
bride must submit. Submission,
in its finest form, is mutual. He
should think enough of you to discuss matters before making a decision. I can’t
think of one woman in her right mind
who wants to be the man and take full responsibility for a family, but I also can’t
think of one who wants all the decisions made for her without consideration for
her needs. The pendulum swings both ways, folks… both ways. Menfolk would do
well to allow us to take the lead from time to time.
5. If he is not submitted to God
and your pastor, don't expect him to submit to you. The strongest, wisest, most
prosperous men on this planet answer to someone somewhere. If your boo-bah-dee-boo-boo
claims to love God but won’t submit to a pastor, don’t expect him to submit to
you. The concept of respecting authority eludes some people. So not only do these
misguided fellas lose jobs and underperform at work, but they also fail to walk
in the proper authority as a man, husband, and father. Men at their best when
they are accountable to other men.
6. You don't have to agree or even
take his advice for yourself. I
looooove to wear make-up. Love love love! I don’t wear a lot, nor do I wear
anything crazy, but I do like to highlight my features. Well, when I was
married it was strongly suggested that I stop wearing make-up. In fact, it
became a source of tension between us, particularly if I was going out to the
store without him (though he neeever wanted to go). That’s another matter
altogether, but the tension remained until I made it clear that I didn’t agree
and I wasn’t going to stop wearing it. Before long, he’d just stare at me while
I put it on… in awe of my beauty of course. He learned to respect something
small that mattered to me. See-- *pulls out church lady glasses*---folks have
the tendency to impose on others their own insecurities. There is no need for
me to feel unattractive because you have an issue. If I love you, make-up won’t
make me cheat. If I don’t love you, nothing short of God’s hand will stop me. Ladies, you can comply if you so choose, but make sure you choose to do so for the right reasons.
7. If he's not pleased with
you now, then he won't be pleased with you after you do everything he claims he
wants you to do. That's not your issue...
it's his! Bigger boobs, longer hair, more/less make-up never changed an
unfaithful heart. Ladies, some things we just cannot compete with. Some things
we should not have to compete with. If he truly loves you, then he will quickly
learn to keep his eyes only for you. Don’t expect this to be an overnight
process, but cover yourself in prayer as you fight the battle against
insecurity and low self-esteem. But in the meantime, you don’t have to do,
wear, or behave as some fantasy woman who has no emotion or need. You don’t
have to bare it all like women on television. We don’t have to be overly
outspoken to be heard, or wearing a nappy fro to be appropriately Black. (Oh
gosh… did I type that? Yeah, I did. Team relaxer, baby!) But let me qualify this... dangerously…. Some of
us DO need to lose weight. Some of us DO need to grow our hair out. Some of us
DO need to find out what it means to be feminine. Some of us DO need to learn
how to cook and clean a house.
I think I’ve picked enough on the
fellas, don’t you agree? I mean all the good menfolk are screeeeaming at me in
their heads wondering why I’m talking about these bad dudes when there are bad
women out there too. Don’t worry… that’s the next topic. So I’ll see you same
time next week?? *raises eyebrows looking for your agreeable smile* I look
forward to it.
I write with love. I write with
sincerity. I write with hope for your future, and my own.
I look forward to reading your
comments. As always please tweet, post, share, email, SUBSCRIBE! Let me know you’re
out there! J I’ve made it to the other side of the
planet a few times now, so send me a cyberwave if you please! Until next time…
Your cybersister,
Alana
