Entangled: The Reason You Can't Let Go

Notice that in the title I used the word can't... not won't.... because one literally lacks the power to break free.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine a beautiful, colorful butterfly floating freely in a meadow. It dances across the tops of lilies and violets fulfilling its purpose in life without any care or concern in the world, but one... the search of love. In its course of duty the butterfly crosses the path of a dark, mysterious spider who weaves a silken web of words and deeds to win the butterfly's heart. Butterfly, naive as it may be, is still cautious of getting too close to the spider... after all flies get trapped with those things. Not beautiful butterflies! Nonetheless, butterfly is intrigued by spider's enticing and glistening web. What's more is that spider has eight arms with which to hold our floating friend.... and many eyes to see the need in butterfly's longing soul.

Spider entices butterfly to lean in for a kiss, and weakened by the words and gentle caresses of our savvy antagonist, butterfly finds itself trapped in spider's web. For a while, it seems nice to have another close by... But as spider closes the space between them, butterfly finds itself even more stuck in spider's web. Butterfly enjoys the feeling of security. I mean, who wants to fly freely when you can be so deeply and passionately loved and appreciated? Relishing the feeling of being wanted, butterfly spreads its wings to embrace spider and finds itself completely and overwhelmingly entangled... 

Butterfly croons "This must be love."

Notice in the tale above there are no "he's" or "she's". I realize that most of us will associate butterfly with a female, but I'm just using it to illustrate the well-meaning, but weak character who longs for love and will settle. Guys, if it makes you feel better, you can be a dragonfly.

Spider, well... you get that! Spider is the charmer that reels you, tells you all the things you want to hear, and gets you trapped! What's more is that a spider will leave you stuck in the web, build a web elsewhere, trap some other well-meaning insects, then come back to feast on your self-esteem when it's hungry.

So are you a trapped member of the lepidoptera phylum? (Nerd speak... sorry.) This entry is for those entangled and unable to let go of someone who only creates hurt and shame. Am I speaking of romantic love? Possibly... but I feel that entanglements can happen in ANY relationship. At the moment, I can say that I have female friends with which I've become far too entangled in their affairs of life. Instead of being a support system, I've become the source of life... They suck me dry!

But romantic relationships are, by far, the trickiest. How can you tell whether there's real love in place versus an unhealthy attachment of souls? Let's go back to our characters and study their habits.

1. It feels like it's meant to be even when everything goes wrong. It can feels so good to be attached that we nurture the feeling instead of the relationship. Butterfly and spider have a natural and powerful connection in nature, but theirs is a predator-prey relationship... not a partnership. Discern your purpose in spider's life. It's never to get caught in the web. 
2. You think spider's trapped in the web too, but you realize he/she is much more adept at handling sticky situations than you are. Remember that spider weaved the web. While you may think he or she is as in deep in love as you are, take note to how easily they side step when you need them. I knew a guy who would tell me a thousand times over the phone and text that he loved me, but would NEVER say it to my face. Talk about a side-stepping somebody... 
3. Spider won't leave you alone... for long. I asked this same person to leave me alone SEVERAL times. For months I didn't contact him or respond to any of his advances. He persisted all the more. I gave in for a short time, then quickly came to my senses. When I told him where he could go with all his crap, he sent me back a polite "No." LOL... Took some time but I think he's gotten trapped in his own web. What matters most is that I'm not in it with him!
4. You think of them, and they contact you. You can feel the stringy web start to vibrate your wings as spider stealthily approaches the web. ]You can literally feel the person thinking about you. Your soul knows it, and your body knows it.  Usually these kinds of connections come from sexual contact, but if you've ever made a promise to "love forever" you've opened yourself to that soul tie. Then, at times, that still small  voice may warn you to prepare yourself... because that still small voice knows that you're entangled.
5. You start weaving a web of your own. Quite possibly the most convincing evidence anyone may have of entanglement is that you become like your predator. You learn their tricks and start trapping a few empty souls of your own to feast upon. Natural animal response, right? But you're not an animal. God has equipped you with a conscience and sensibilities. Your broken heart does not permit you to break others'... 
6. You miss your floating freedom, but you don't want to let go. A true loving relationship won't stifle your inner peace and freedom. I remember sitting beside a guy and watching a movie and thinking "I wish we would just end this." I felt so boxed-in, but not because of anything he did in particular. We had just moved too fast (and this was without sex), and I felt forced to keep up the charade. When we did part ways, it was UGLY! But at least I'm free... at least I think I am. (I really am pondering this...)

I doubt that anyone who's read this can honestly say they're free from ANY entanglements. Naturally, some are good, but we must relieve ourselves of relationships that leave us empty and unsatisfied. Some of us are entangled in more than one web which truly explains why we have no inner peace or confidence. 

I didn't write all of this just to leave you dazed in your circumstances... but the first step to freedom is acknowledging that you are, indeed, entangled, and not in love. Love gives, not takes away.

So how do we become free? Well... I need more time to think about that. Until then, let's all investigate those closest to us and figure out who's got the wrong kinds of strings attached to our wings.

Love you all... and with that, I bid you goodnight.

Your cybersister,

Alana

P.S. Special thanks to my Jiminy Cricket who gave me an idea of the butterfly and spider relationship...

Other Side of the Game

"Don't worry, baby. I know there's confusion. God's gonna see us through yeah..."

I love the tune and the soulful crooning of a lovedrunk Badu, but when I break down the lyrics (i.e. overanalyze), I wonder why so many of us women end up on the other side of an ugly game. I know she's talking about the drug game in the song, but I'm using my blogtistic license here.

It's an epidemic. Woman meets man. Man turns on game. Woman falls for game. Man reveals that he's playing and blames woman for falling because she should've known better. Woman sticks around dissatisfied, disgruntled, and disillusioned hoping for the impossible. Yeah, I know women run game too, so guys, apply accordingly.

So, ladies & gents, where do we go wrong when we meet a potential love? I could write ten steps to choosing the wrong person to love, which I'm TOTALLY qualified to do... Or I could just let Badu do the talking.

"It ain't that he don't have education cuz I was right there at his graduation."

So, he's got an education? He gets some respect for that. He works hard? That's even better! But is he demonstrating what he's learned at whatever level of education he's attained? Potential is never good enough. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those educated snobs who only talks to men with the degree qualifications that meet or exceed my own. I tend to find many highly-educated men... well, boring. But nothing's worse than a flirty brother with poor spelling, poor grammar and a lot to say. We all get those messages on Facebook that are hard to decipher. "You used to look good in high school but now you still do too." Yeah, that's in my inbox. I have yet to reply.

"But it's me and baby that he hurts."

So he loves you so much that he keeps doing what hurts you and hurts the kids too? Let me guess. He's either doing it for you or he can't help it. Badu needs to read "The Doormat People." She's an accessory to her own victimization, and the children will only resent her later.

"Because I tell him right, he thinks I'm wrong. But our love is strong."

Sorry, Badu. Even the good ones don't want to know when they're wrong. That's just the nature of a man. Even my six-year old son has to always be right. If he puts his underwear on backwards, he'll argue with me even though he can't find a way to pee straight. But there is a way to let a man know when things are starting to sour... that's another blog for another day.

"Gave me the life that I came to live."

What the heck? No, he didn't. JESUS did that! Get your priorities straight...

"Pressure's on me, but the seed is grown. I can't make it on my own."

A real man will always take the pressure OFF, and he'll never take your power away by planting seeds of insecurity. God gave man authority, but the woman has power. Wield it wisely, ladies. Never give away what God has given you!

Let's backtrack to when Erykah first met this fella. At some point she knew that he had some other stuff going on and decided  to roll the dice anyway.  Why would anyone ignore the obvious signs? Well, loneliness can get the best of us. But one thing is certain; desperation landed our beloved Badu in another bad relationship. (And when I say Badu, I mean krazy me and maybe krazy you too...) Not too long thereafter, she's telling her boo that he needs to call Tyrone...

So how do we keep ourselves on the other side of the game? If we want love, do we have to play along? I will admit I've gone out with people that I didn't really like for boredom's sake. One guy (who's reading from his iPad) posted on Facebook that a certain woman (me) was making him rethink his game. Just that admission has disqualified him from having a chance at spending anymore time with me. (Angry text ensuing...)

I've discovered a few tactics to maintaining a "game-free" life. So here goes. If you meet someone and think you might be interested...

1. Listen for what he wants. I like to know what a man ultimately wants from a relationship. Some day (not any time soon), I'd like to be married again. If he never wants to be married, then we don't have the same aspiration, and I'll end up wasting my time if I continue with him. People tend to be more honest early on because the stakes are low. Believe a person when they tell you or show you who they are.
2. Listen for how he wants it. You want to know what his religious and moral beliefs are, but other convictions matter too. Life perspective is a HUGE consideration for me. For example, I subscribe to the "Life is short, so do it right the first time" way of living. I can't be with someone who subscribes to the "Life is short, so live it up at all costs" way of living. Judgments aside, it just doesn't work.
3. Listen to how much he's saying. Does he talk too much? One of my associates talks so much that he just bores me to tears. He's a sweet guy, but boring! Does he talk too little? Ummm... did you call me so I could listen to you watch the basketball game? I have better things to do... like talk to myself. Does he do a disappearing act and a random check-up to make sure you don't forget him? Play along for fun, but don't get sucked in... LOL!
4. Listen to what he's NOT saying. Recently a fella asked me what I'd heard about him because I didn't seem to be interested. My response: "What have you done that you don't want me to know about?" Oh... and there's the guy who has options. What he's not saying is that if I don't give him what he wants, he can get it elsewhere. My response: "Use your options. Not me..."
5. Listen! That means be quiet!  Smile outside and scream inside. Think critically, but don't breathe a word of it. Instead, ask a follow-up question. And don't tell him too much about your personal convictions up front. Guys with weak game always play the "me too" game. If I say that I'm a Christian, he says "Oh yeah? Me too!"

With all of that said, there is hope for those us want the real thing. There's no need to settle for a silly player and then ask God to bless our mess. Eventually Badu had to put Tyrone out, but only after suffering more damage than any person should sustain.

I won't say that my transition to this point was quick or even easy. I won't even say that where I am now is all that much fun. It's been a while since I've been on a date that I've truly enjoyed. But what I can say is that I'm not lonely, and I enjoy possessing my soul. And when the time comes for my future husband to enter my life, I will be ready because I kept myself on the other side of very dirty and damaging game.

For those of you struggling, my heart goes out to you... Here's some encouragement from a more positive and empowering song.

I'm coming out of krazy and taking all the broken-hearted Badus with me...

Your cyber-sister,

Alana