Sunday, December 18, 2011

A Woman Would Rather Be Single than to Date...



You.


Yep. I said it. This might hurt a little, but I'll offer you a cyberhug when you're through reading.


I see so many good-looking, single, well-paid brothers living the same type of life year after year. Some of you want to get married soon, but you've yet to find a good woman that will take you seriously. You keep meeting the same super needy, whiny, self-deprecating, manic-depressive nutcase with a cute face, small waist and booty that almost makes you forget her aforementioned flaws... until, of course, she opens her mouth.


That specimen is far cry from a good woman, and the only reason you've attracted her is because there are little tidbits in you that keep the good ones away. 


I hate to tell you this, but good women-- we turn our heads away when we see you coming. You're handsome, intelligent, well-dressed, have some promise of a great future, a good man... but there's that one little nagging thing you do that screams "Stay away from me. I'm just going to play with your emotions."


Don't believe me? I invite you to take a look into the cybermirror of introspection. Go somewhere private and grab a tissue... 


  1. You have unrealistic expectations. There is NO SUCH THING as a party girl that dresses to show off her 36-24-46, cooks and cleans like your momma, pays all her bills on time, makes your toes pop three times a week, AND serves the Lord faithfully on Sunday mornings but let's you stay home to watch TV. If you want that party girl, then go get one, but if you want a wife you've got to look a little deeper than her Facebook photos.
  2. You have feminine energy. Nah, dog... don't skip past this one just because you're not effeminate. Feminine energy is something TOTALLY different. If you've ever found yourself saying "I just want a woman to take care of me, chase me, sweat me, make ME happy" that's feminine energy. A man is supposed to cover, protect, and care for the woman, not the other way around. Yes, there are some things we tend to as women, but those things are benefits of committed relationships... not dinner and a movie. And to be totally honest, it's downright girly of you... Man up.
  3. Everything is about sex! Are we really still doing this? Fellas, you're in your 30's now. There is no need to EVER say "I'll have you addicted to me." That's the fastest way to lose a good woman. We don't care to be addicted to anything, and if it's soooo good (*rolls eyes*) shouldn't you have someone already? Oh wait... you still have that crazy chick calling and texting you everyday that's two days away from busting out your car windows. No thanks! If a woman tells you that you can't have her cookies, but you know you want some cookies, don't try to change her mind. Get your cookies elsewhere and lose our numbers on the way.
  4. Your interest is feigned, and/or you're inconsistent. I really think this comes from insecurity issues. Bless your broken heart, brother. But don't lead a woman on just for your ego's sake. A good woman will quickly forget the inconsistent caller. 
  5. BIG OL' EGO! Tiny little huevos. If you find yourself crafting your words very carefully, chances are you're afraid of rejection. You don't want to make a woman say "yes", but you don't want to hear a "Heck-no-negro-get-out-my-face" either. Understood. We all hate rejection. But sometimes you all get a little too goofy. If you don't have the confidence to ask a question directly, then don't ask until you do.    
  6. You are bossy, critical, or judgmental. Do you want a woman like that? No?! But you just said I should go out more, take more pictures, wear my hair up, paint my living room red, not buy my kids those toys but pay extra on my credit card instead, AND eat a salad for dinner. Stop it. If a woman doesn't interest you, it's not her responsibility to change for you. Accept her, or choose to part ways. 
  7. And here's the big one.... YOU LACK DISCRETION!!! Many of you are starting to want a wife which is so beautiful and precious. So when you ask a woman out on a date, do it privately. And when you ask another woman out on a date that same week, do it privately. These activities are NOT for social networking sites because said women seeeeee them! We are not blind. We are not going to take you seriously if you click "like" on every half-naked woman's photo (the FB ticker tells all) and subtweet another woman about how wonderful last night's conversation was. We can tell the difference between the comments that are just for fun and those that are real.  And most of you have realized that checking in on FourSquare while on a date is a BIG no-no.

Now ease yourself out of that cybermirror of introspection and inquire within... Would you have a relationship with a woman who participated in all this foolishness? I'll wait... because one person said "It wouldn't bother me... She can do whatever she wants." You, sir, should not be dating anybody.

I wish you all well. There will be wonderful love stories in Spring 2012 from at least a few of you, so choose wisely, protect the love you foster, and leave the aforementioned foolishness behind.

I'm hoping and praying for your best!



Your cybersister,

Alana

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Single Lady Law

It took a while for me to reach this point, but I'm truly enjoying singleness. There are times when I wish I had a little companionship, but if you've ever been in a relationship you know that those needs aren't always met anyway. So I press onward... and in the meantime, I try to abide by a few simple laws to keep myself fabulously feminine and devastatingly desirable. (Ok.... I embellished there a little. I do get caught in the mom-teacher frump, but I fight that battle daily.)

1.     Shaving is not season-specific. Just because it's getting chilly and we aren't showing skin, doesn't mean we can neglect shaving our legs and underarms. I like to reference Queen Esther. Everyday she bathed in myrrh to prepare for the king, and this was BEFORE he even chose her! I'm not saying shave your legs in hopes someone will one day rub on them, but if that's your hope... keep'em smooth and shiny even when they're tucked away.
2.     When undergoing face-altering activities, trust God but pray for the technician. You walk into the shop and spot your favorite eyebrow-waxing technician. But when they seat you, a lady who barely speaks English with drawn-on brows comes to your service. Oh-em-gee... this is SCARY! Yeah, whisper a prayer. One bad stroke, and you'll be penciling in your brows like your auntie did in the 70's.
3.     When in doubt, play coy. Unfortunately people lie. Our girlfriends lie. Guys that pursue us lie. Our bosses lie. Nothing will disarm them and empower you better than a good lash batting. What am I saying? Play dumb!! You learn so much more when you just shut your mouth, listen, and pretend to be the idiot that liars think you are. (I just made somebody really uncomfortable.) Confrontation can wait until you've gathered the facts and cooled your jets. 
4.     Walk softly, and carry pink lipstick. Remember that Eric Benet song, Femininity? You are a woman for a reason. Be soft, gentle, sweet. Pray for a quiet spirit, and practice meekness. Your strength is in submission to God, prayer, beauty, and the ability to give life! In short, you never have to be masculine, hard, or overbearing to get things done. Do what you have to, but be pretty doing it.
5.     Subtract to multiply. As single women, we tend to invite too many people into our lives. We have so much to give and share, but 90% of the people in our circle are no good for us. My pastor said it best. There are four types of people in the world. Those who add, subtract, multiply, and divide. Which are you? Who's in your circle? Better yet,  God will subtract to multiply. A few months ago, I had to remove a number of people from my life, some of whom were very close to me. But since then, I've found myself with just a few who pour into to me as much as I pour into them. The quality of relationships that I have now is so much better than I could have ever hoped.
6.     Eat your fruit. Yeah, we should all eat healthy foods like fruit and veggies, but I'm talking about the fruits of the spirit. Remember those from Sunday school... love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to react with harsh words and bad attitudes. But when I encounter those situations, I feel like the Holy Spirit hands me a piece of fruit to change my response. 
7.     Be seasoned, not salty. No one likes a bad attitude. If you're still popping your lips, rolling your eyes, and making negative comments about everything, you need to grow up. Develop your personal interests. Read. Write. Take a class. Do something to expand your life experiences. Understanding and wisdom are attractive. Speaking everything that comes to mind is not.
8.     Keep a stash of Tylenol PM. I've been singing that old song... "When it's cooold outsiiide, who are you holdiiing?" Ummm... pop a Tylenol PM, hold your pillow, and take your butt to bed. It ain't worth it!!! 
9.     Single ain't so bad! Few people realize that being in a bad relationship and lonely is a thousand times worse than being in single and lonely. Many married women wish for the freedom that we enjoy. I mean to go shopping and not have to hide my new dress in the trunk... to eat that extra slice of chocolate cake without a glaring look... to not have to cook and eat meatloaf and other man-style foods! LIFE IS GOOD!! 

So this list has been added to and taken from a few times since I started last night, but who says there can't be more?? I'd love to hear what single lady laws you abide by. Leave your comments below, and please share this with your FB friends and Twitter followers!

Enjoy your Saturday, good people!



Your cybersister,

Alana

Monday, October 24, 2011

Letter to the One that Got Away

It ain't you, so just read the blog and don't worry. LOL!

(Truth be told, he'll never see this unless I send it to him.)

Dear Sir, 

I remember the first time we met. You were charming, and somewhat handsome... I was quite taken by your inner swag though I could've passed on your sense of style. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should've been wearing their hats two sizes too big. But just the same, you were very smart and very much a gentleman, and what woman isn't drawn to confidence?


I don't recall what we did on our first or second dates. If I did I probably still wouldn't write about it. Those days...sheesh! (My readers are judgmental. Don't mind them. Thank God for the blood of Jesus!) We had so much in common... both having passion for faith, family, and business. You were much further along in life than I was. We attended different colleges, so that drive up and down 64 was a killer. You had a good family background which was rare, and I held you in such high regard. We never made a relationship of it, and part of that is my fault... but it would've helped tremendously if you made it clear how you truly felt about me in a timely manner.


I remember sitting beside you on your sofa. We had just finished dinner. I rubbed your chest (always a sucker for a big chest), and you told me about your future goals. I thought for a bit that I could be happy settling down with you, but there was always something nagging at me. Most of the time you were gentle and kind, but sprinkled in were moments of insensitivity, almost to the point of cruelty.


In short, you reminded me of my father.


I remember the last time we went out. Another guy that was competing for my attention called while you and I were together. You urged me to answer the phone, so I did. You must have thought I was going to end it with him and choose you. 


Honestly, between the two of you he was better looking. And between the two of you, he was funnier. And between the two of you, I knew how he felt about me. But one thing you both had in common... You both were jerks! LOL... But I didn't end it with him that night. I didn't end it with him until four years ago. So that night, you left in a fit of rage which surprised me to NO END! And by no end, I mean I regretted that night for YEARS! But I eventually let go... Well, you got away.


No one should ever find out a person's true feelings that way. Things could've been different. 


But I'm so glad they aren't.


You are married.. happily... finally. Your wife is gorgeous. Honestly, if you didn't have all that swag there's no way you could've gotten her. I hope you keep her. I can't imagine any other woman putting up with your biting sarcasm. For the year you two were separated, I pray our conversations helped you realize how blessed you are. Your children are beautiful and smart. Your business goals will come to pass.


I had fun seeing you from time to time... just friends checking in. Whenever we walked into a place, people treated us like we were made to be together. It was the strangest thing... But God kept us from doing anything shameful. I'm grateful.


The fact of the matter is I love you like a brother. I don't miss you, and I don't wish we had stayed together. I just wanted you to know that I appreciated you.


You see, some men today don't respect a woman's choice. Despite the fact that you were the better man, you walked away with your dignity and left me with mine. I learned a lot about a man's heart that night all of which I had forgotten until a few moments ago.


You love just as hard as we do. You hurt just as much as we do. 


And if... for some reason... any unforeseeable reason at all... I mean it's very unlikely... but just in case the ish don't work out between you and your wife....




You need to find somebody else! Because when I let go, it's for good...




"Platonically" loving you from a distance,


Alana



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Dating Site "Whoa's"

...what I really mean is woes, but to be totally honest, I'm shocked at the foolishness!!

Yeah, I joined one... even paid some money. (It's not one of those big, commercial sites that advertises on television. Don't ask because I won't tell.) Apparently those sites have few men of color on them, and since I prefer color, I decided to go elsewhere.

Why did I do it? Sheer, freakin' boredom! I guess I felt like I wanted to talk to someone instead of going to bed at the moment. So on the advice of a close family member, I input my credit card number (should've used hers) and started browsing right away.

Here's what I found...


  1. Gross misspellings of names that are being passed off as creativity.... If you're from Houston and you want to express that, then the proper name would be HoustonBred not HoustonBread.
  2. Sexual references in names.... I thought this was a CHRISTIAN site. Yeah, I'm sure Christians love handling lots of chocolate and 69's as much as everyone else, but should we advertise that? Ewww... You're not the man you claim to be.
  3. Old and gold... Any person from a metro area knows exactly what I mean! My preferences are set for gentlemen between 27 and 40. Dude, you're 50 with a gold tooth messaging me daily and responding angrily because I haven't expressed interest in you. Go back and read my profile again... thanks! (Perhaps I should include a "no gold teeth" clause.)
  4. Then there's the ever-present income question. Yes, it's important, but should it be public knowledge? Not in my opinion... And, sir, if you only make $25k-$35k, you should NOT be comfortable publishing that. And Mr. Big Money... you're just asking for a gold digger by posting your six figures. Then again, maybe that's what you want.
  5. The PICTURES! In the words of a good girlfriend, OH MY! LOL... Bathroom mirror shots don't bother me so much... but the pics with the mess and clutter in the background? And the ones with a former significantchopped off? And the flexing photo sans muscle? And then there's the fella who's boldly cheesing in the camera laying on his stomach with his hands under his chin and his feet cocked up in the air like a teenage girl... Sir, are you sure it's a lady you're looking for? 
  6. The ego bruise... I have to admit that it kinda ticks me off when an ugly fella views my profile (yes, I can see the viewers), and he then DOESN'T send me a flirt. Dude, who do you think you are? I am fine! You should be honored to flirt with me! But then I realize he may think I'm too good-looking for him in which case he's probably right. Then, I'm not so bothered. (Don't take me seriously... just joking here!)
  7. After a week, you've exhausted all the profiles. Seriously, there are very few people on this site. Folks have viewed and re-viewed my profile, and I have done likewise. You start looking at their pics sideways saying things like "Well I guess his eyes aren't tooooo far apart..." 
  8. And my BIGGEST qualm... You mean I can't cancel? What if i meet the right guy and get married? The only account settings I have control what's sent to my email. As far as cancelling goes, there's no 1-800 number. No "deactivate account" button. Nothing... guess I'll be cutting up my credit card at the end of the month and requesting a new one.
Sorry for the silliness... but I had to let it out. Perhaps there's a silver lining in this cloud even if it's nothing more than wisdom gained.

Love ya lots... and off to bed I go.


Sisterly,

Alana


Thursday, August 4, 2011

Appetite for Change

The past week, I've been dreaming like crazy. More often than not, my dreams have significant meanings... usually something I must pray for or against, as needed. But a few slipped past my prayer radar, and I mistook them as the aftermath of eating way too late at night. At the risk of opening a window for you to peek into my soul, I will share one with you... hopefully to your benefit.


So I walked into one of my favorite lunch spots thinking I'd order my usual. I didn't even bother to look at the menu when I confidently announced that I wanted Japanese Pan Noodles with Shrimp and extra veggies. The cashier looked at me with a scowl and said "We don't serve that anymore. Our whole menu has changed." Naturally, I considered leaving the restaurant, but since I was hungry and I believed in the quality of food the place served, I decided to at least look over the new menu. NOTHING seemed to be the same. I consider myself to be an adventurous eater, but most of the items on the list seemed... well, out of my tastes or bland. The cashier glared at me and said, "Well... are you gonna try something new?"


For YEARS I've been eating from the same menu. I love a big, juicy beefsteak kinda guy with bulky muscles, high testosterone, and a ego that stretches to the sky. Typically I prefer brown to dark-skinned fellas, but I wouldn't pass up a cutie with a lighter hue. Before long, I realized one thing. No matter how different they seem to be, the guys I chose were all the same.


The conversations were the same. They spent hours talking about themselves in the most shallow contexts... parties, favorite models and celebrities, and high school sporting events.


The silly games were the same. They would pursue me tirelessly, and despite my reservations, I'd give in... Then of course, their interest waned.


The results were the same. I could accurately predict the next move a fella would make. I knew when the confession of love would come, and the imminent disappearing act. 


They really were all the same!


That's not to say that all men are the same. I would never make such a heartless and foolish generalization. I am saying, however, that my lack of self-worth and fear of being alone rendered me a repeat offender in bad date selection.

And doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result is called... say it with me... INSANITY!


So, really who's to blame? Those cocky fellas whose egos are still in tact, OR me? Put your hands down! That was a rhetorical question... Don't be so quick to exonerate them. :)


I'm not going to delve into the steps needed to change your tastes because I don't have them. What I do know is that there is another type of man out there that is confident, humble, and faithful at heart.... That's the type of guy that will earn my affections. As it stands today, my tastes have changed enough for me to recognize that these men come in different packages. Unless I'm totally repulsed by that package, why not give someone who's honorable an hour or two of my time simply to discover?


One more thing... all the dating books say that we should write a list of the qualities we want in a mate. I totally agree with that, but I'm going to "one up" the books. The list should be a living document. Revisit and edit it every so often. I'm a fairly quiet person, and after a date with a guy who talked for 3 hours straight, I prefer to be with someone who's a little less chatty (read "insecure"). When I do, I plan to organize those qualities into two different categories: non-negotiable and negotiable.


The non-negotiable things have little to do with my appetite for a muscle-y man, but EVERYTHING to do with his character. I must be with a man that loves and hears from God. His belief system must be similar to my own... That, for me, is non-negotiable.


Now that I'm a little older and much wiser (I have the gray hairs to prove it), I don't feel so drawn to the man with JERK written across his t-shirt. I've set myself free to enjoy some new, more satisfying personalities. This is the area in which my appetite needs some changing. But like I said before... this journey has only begun. 


So sorry... no satisfying written conclusion here, but maybe a reader or two will have a story to share?? But in the meantime....


Are you going to try something new??? 




Your cybersister,


Alana


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Entangled: The Reason You Can't Let Go

Notice that in the title I used the word can't... not won't.... because one literally lacks the power to break free.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine a beautiful, colorful butterfly floating freely in a meadow. It dances across the tops of lilies and violets fulfilling its purpose in life without any care or concern in the world, but one... the search of love. In its course of duty the butterfly crosses the path of a dark, mysterious spider who weaves a silken web of words and deeds to win the butterfly's heart. Butterfly, naive as it may be, is still cautious of getting too close to the spider... after all flies get trapped with those things. Not beautiful butterflies! Nonetheless, butterfly is intrigued by spider's enticing and glistening web. What's more is that spider has eight arms with which to hold our floating friend.... and many eyes to see the need in butterfly's longing soul.

Spider entices butterfly to lean in for a kiss, and weakened by the words and gentle caresses of our savvy antagonist, butterfly finds itself trapped in spider's web. For a while, it seems nice to have another close by... But as spider closes the space between them, butterfly finds itself even more stuck in spider's web. Butterfly enjoys the feeling of security. I mean, who wants to fly freely when you can be so deeply and passionately loved and appreciated? Relishing the feeling of being wanted, butterfly spreads its wings to embrace spider and finds itself completely and overwhelmingly entangled... 

Butterfly croons "This must be love."


Notice in the tale above there are no "he's" or "she's". I realize that most of us will associate butterfly with a female, but I'm just using it to illustrate the well-meaning, but weak character who longs for love and will settle. Guys, if it makes you feel better, you can be a dragonfly.

Spider, well... you get that! Spider is the charmer that reels you, tells you all the things you want to hear, and gets you trapped! What's more is that a spider will leave you stuck in the web, build a web elsewhere, trap some other well-meaning insects, then come back to feast on your self-esteem when it's hungry.

So are you a trapped member of the lepidoptera phylum? (Nerd speak... sorry.) This entry is for those entangled and unable to let go of someone who only creates hurt and shame. Am I speaking of romantic love? Possibly... but I feel that entanglements can happen in ANY relationship. At the moment, I can say that I have female friends with which I've become far too entangled in their affairs of life. Instead of being a support system, I've become the source of life... They suck me dry!

But romantic relationships are, by far, the trickiest. How can you tell whether there's real love in place versus an unhealthy attachment of souls? Let's go back to our characters and study their habits.

  1. It feels like it's meant to be even when everything goes wrong. It can feels so good to be attached that we nurture the feeling instead of the relationship. Butterfly and spider have a natural and powerful connection in nature, but theirs is a predator-prey relationship... not a partnership. Discern your purpose in spider's life. It's never to get caught in the web. 
  2. You think spider's trapped in the web too, but you realize he/she is much more adept at handling sticky situations than you are. Remember that spider weaved the web. While you may think he or she is as in deep in love as you are, take note to how easily they side step when you need them. I knew a guy who would tell me a thousand times over the phone and text that he loved me, but would NEVER say it to my face. Talk about a side-stepping somebody... 
  3. Spider won't leave you alone... for long. I asked this same person to leave me alone SEVERAL times. For months I didn't contact him or respond to any of his advances. He persisted all the more. I gave in for a short time, then quickly came to my senses. When I told him where he could go with all his crap, he sent me back a polite "No." LOL... Took some time but I think he's gotten trapped in his own web. What matters most is that I'm not in it with him!
  4. You think of them, and they contact you. You can feel the stringy web start to vibrate your wings as spider stealthily approaches the web. ]You can literally feel the person thinking about you. Your soul knows it, and your body knows it.  Usually these kinds of connections come from sexual contact, but if you've ever made a promise to "love forever" you've opened yourself to that soul tie. Then, at times, that still small  voice may warn you to prepare yourself... because that still small voice knows that you're entangled.
  5. You start weaving a web of your own. Quite possibly the most convincing evidence anyone may have of entanglement is that you become like your predator. You learn their tricks and start trapping a few empty souls of your own to feast upon. Natural animal response, right? But you're not an animal. God has equipped you with a conscience and sensibilities. Your broken heart does not permit you to break others'... 
  6. You miss your floating freedom, but you don't want to let go. A true loving relationship won't stifle your inner peace and freedom. I remember sitting beside a guy and watching a movie and thinking "I wish we would just end this." I felt so boxed-in, but not because of anything he did in particular. We had just moved too fast (and this was without sex), and I felt forced to keep up the charade. When we did part ways, it was UGLY! But at least I'm free... at least I think I am. (I really am pondering this...)
I doubt that anyone who's read this can honestly say they're free from ANY entanglements. Naturally, some are good, but we must relieve ourselves of relationships that leave us empty and unsatisfied. Some of us are entangled in more than one web which truly explains why we have no inner peace or confidence. 

I didn't write all of this just to leave you dazed in your circumstances... but the first step to freedom is acknowledging that you are, indeed, entangled, and not in love. Love gives, not takes away.

So how do we become free? Well... I need more time to think about that. Until then, let's all investigate those closest to us and figure out who's got the wrong kinds of strings attached to our wings.

Love you all... and with that, I bid you goodnight.


Your cybersister,


Alana

P.S. Special thanks to my Jiminy Cricket who gave me an idea of the butterfly and spider relationship...

Friday, July 15, 2011

"He's a good man, but...."


It seems many of you are reading on the sly, but I'm proud to say I have almost 1000 hits! AND I've made it to Pakistan. Hi, Naila! And Australia... What's up, Sean? And to a few other places in Europe. I don't know who's reading there, but I'm hoping you ALL stay with me. And would you be so kind as to pass me on? :)

I have one more piece of business before I carry on with today's controversial title. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am NOT in any way searching for romantic love. Yes, I want it, but looking for it is not the way to obtain it. Having said that, I know it's close by... I keep looking at my left ring finger expecting a big, shiny rock to blind me. Soon enough... it will happen.

So why am I writing all this kraziness? Well for one, it's therapeutic for me. Two, it may be therapeutic for you. At the very least you'll discover that you're not the only nutty person on the planet. And three, to help somebody else with my personal experiences... I didn't go through all this crap for nothing! 

But I've delayed long enough. On to the topic at hand!

I think it is EXTREMELY important to find the best in people. I try to always let a person know what I think is great about them. If he's handsome, I'll tell him. If he's smart, I'll let him know. If I've got to dig really deep to find something good to say to a person, I give them a compliment on faith. Faith kind of works like credit... you tell them what they could become to move them forward. People need to feel valued, and even though you may not be around long, it's best that you treat the other person with the utmost dignity and respect.

But!! Oh my goodness... what a big BUT (and I'm not talking about Serena's) we have to discuss!

Every person, regardless of how much good they have, has some bad. Most of us just let it hang out, while a few who want to do right try to keep it tucked away. So yes, when you spend time with someone you'll find both good and bad. But where should the line be drawn?

These are the pieces I've found in men & women that indicate there WILL be trouble up ahead. And a wise man sees trouble from a long distance and HIDES himself. You got that? Yeah, that's Bible for ya!

  1. There are TOO many friends of the opposite sex. Now if the person is active in a community like church or work, you may see this trend, but that's not what I'm discussing. But if you're seeing crazy FB posts and tweets, don't ignore them. If that person is sitting beside you and trying to sneak text, don't ignore that either! (Had to get that out!) You're just one of the bunch. I guess being one of many is okay if you're not serious about settling down. But knowing how ladies can be, most of us do want that security. So if he's a good man with too many female friends (and the converse), and you can't meet those friends in a reasonable time, said person is not the one for you! In the sweetest kindest manner possible, walk away and don't look back.
  2. Her or his recent past is jacked up. I know a REALLY sweet guy whose last two years have been laced with one bad decision after another. I'm in NO position to judge, and he gets the utmost respect from me because he keeps his head held high. However, just because I'm intent on remaining nonjudgmental does NOT mean that I should ignore what's going in his life. The bottom line is this. We all pay for the bad choices we make, and if you know a person consistently makes bad choices, they won't start making good ones just because you're in the picture. And unfortunately consequences can last a lifetime. How willing are you to help someone else pay the price for their wrong-doing? That's a rhetorical question that you really should take the time to answer. (Ow!)
  3. He or she is seething with anger and bitterness. I know men say that women are bitter, but if you've ever met a divorced man, you'll quickly discover that they take bitterness to a whole new level. I mean... they want you to be mad at the ex-wife who cheated on them years ago. I ain't mad at her! You still love her. Go back and deal with that!
  4. She or he has low self-esteem. It's easy to tell a woman with low self-esteem in most cases. I think it's safe to say 90% of us suffer from it at one time or another. But a man with low self-esteem is often very hard to identify. Here's how to tell for both sexes.... they can't accept compliments, they don't give any compliments, they don't call when they say they will, they bring up sex when it has nothing to do with anything, they claim you'll become addicted, they fall too fast and too hard, they entertain others with low self-esteem, they are a control freak, they run through several boyfriends or girlfriends in a short period of time, they do a disappearing act. Anything that exerts unnecessary power in the relationship or boosts their ego is a definite sign someone is struggling with his or her self-worth. People with self-esteem issues need to work through those problems ON THEIR OWN. Plus low self-esteem is also the leading cause of infidelity in relationships. Do I have a statistic back that up? No, I have personal experience. Good enough for you?
  5. You're being blamed for issues that belong to them. This has happened to me twice today, quite possibly because I knew I needed to write about it. People play this game to manipulate. I HATE manipulation. Don't give in to this foolishness. Like I said in another post... speak the truth and end the conversation. If you can't do that, just end the conversation and don't look back. This person's feelings are not worth sparing.

I'm sure you can come up with many more negative qualities that may outweigh the good ones, but I bet they'll fall into these categories... with the exception of one. "He's a good man, but he's gay." This is quite possibly THE most disappointing of all the statements but there really isn't a darn thing you can do about any, now is there? Lol... 

My hope is that you found this entry balanced and informative. This is, by no means, male or female-bashing, but is an investigation as to why we ignore the most obvious signs of future demise. Turning a blind eye won't make the problem go away. Honor what's good in a person, but don't get caught up in what could be.

Share your thoughts... 



Your cybersister,


Alana

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Sh*tty Situation: Quite Possibly my Most Embarrassing Date Ever

Why? Because it's too funny not to tell and enough time has passed that I can laugh about it without being too embarrassed. Don't worry... precautions were taken to protect the feelings of the gentleman who will be utterly shamed and embarrassed in the story I'm about to tell. He's a nice guy, and I really don't want him to see this.

So I met this fella online via a very sketchy site introduced to me by a close family member who also had no business on the site. If I told you who the family member was, I'd be dead by morning. (Mama, NO!)

Back to the guy... He was super tall, handsome, and gentle-natured, but dumb as rocks. Normally, I find some sort of intelligence in a person and honor that, but this guy wasn't working with much at all. To put it simply, he was a muscle head. But after chatting, texting, talking, and inappropriately flirting for months, I decided to meet him anyway.

Anyone who's ever done online dating will tell you that there is a MAJOR difference between what you see and hear via electronic devices and what you see and hear in person. Well... I could say I was pretty lucky. Mr. Man was just as kind in person as he was on the phone. Unfortunately, he was twice as dense. I remember asking him a few questions and getting blank looks instead of answers. Every few minutes he'd giggle and say "Yeah, girl..." I'd just giggle back.

We ordered our lunch and ate between a few more failed attempts at intelligent conversation. He enjoyed a dish that was covered with tons of melted cheese, onions, and peppers. (Bad date food if you ask me...) I'm sure I ordered some kind of salad pretending to be health-conscious. He paid the bill, and we left... hand in hand.

On our way out of the restaurant, my date stopped to admire our reflection in the glass.

"Don't we look good together?"

I'm not sure what he saw, but my head reached a little over the top of his belly button and I thought "He's got to be kidding." My second thought was that our heights were inversely proportional to our intelligence quotients.... and I just can't be with a dumb man. (Let me qualify... there are many different ways to be intelligent, all of which are praiseworthy. Everybody has something; but if you have little to nothing, I can't work with you.) So I could see us going no where fast, yet I remained agreeable and continued to smile. There really was no reason to be ugly...

Our next stop was a movie... something action-oriented, loud, and exciting. The title? I don't remember. What I do remember, however, was his giant self squirming in the minuscule seat. We tried the cuddling thing... didn't work. I would lay my head on his shoulder, rest it a few seconds, and then he'd push me up. Not long after, I started hearing tummy gurgles so loud that they made the movie's surround sound seem a mile away. I wondered why my stomach was so active. Even if I didn't like him all that much, how embarrassing would that be for me? Then it dawned on me... squirming and gurgling... It wasn't me! It was him! (You know how it is when you're sitting close to someone, and you can't really tell whose stomach it is...) Lucky me...

Right? I mean I am lucky that it's not MY stomach gurgling. It's his... Wait a minute. This could turn into something very bad at any moment. Ain't it funny how luck turns on you?

So the movie ends, and we hop in his super clean car. He heads for the highway. I inquire as to where we're going next. He says "Just relax, and enjoy the ride."

He types into his TomTom and heads for 95 north which happened to be seriously backed up. My sensibilities kick in (kinda late, right?) and I insist to know where he's taking me and why, all of a sudden, he's acting so strange. I pushed until he answered.

"I need to use the restroom. All that cheese got to me..."

"Are you lactose intolerant?"

"Heh heh... yeah, girl."

Now I can't type what I really said to him at that moment... but here's the censored and listed version.


*Bleep*, are you serious? Why would you order something with all that cheese if you know your body can't digest it? And if it looked so good and you had to have it, why would you have it on a date? Here's a McDonald's you can go there. Why'd you pass the McDonald's? The Hardee's? Target's right around the corner. Where the heck are you going? Don't you see this traffic!

He wasn't hearing it. We crept at a mere 25 miles per hour for about 20 minutes passing several exits with blue signs showing places with available RESTROOMS. Dude was stubborn, and I was BEYOND ticked!

All I could do was plan my route of escape just in case noxious gas leaked from my date. Because is this really an IF situation? No... said person has gas, so it's not about IF he lets it out, but WHEN! The only results from a planned escape would land me stranded outside his car or half-dead inside. I started praying...

A few miles later, he takes an exit off the highway and heads to a hotel. He runs inside and tells me to wait outside. So I'm waiting... and thinking. Thinking... and waiting.

Is this some kind of game? Did he already have a room booked here? He better not ask me to come in if he does. Is he so desperate to get me inside to pull some crap like this? And since when do you have to use a pristine bathroom to do your dirty business? Why am I here? Maybe I can call a taxi back to my car...

Just as I go into another round of the same questions, my text notification sounds...

"So....you wanna get a room while we're here? ;-)"

You know what? I can't tell even anymore of this story... let's just say he and I haven't seen each other since.

I will say this... Despite the utter embarrassment and shame I felt up to that point, the rest of the date wasn't a total waste. I just had to redirect his "romantic inquiry" *gags* to a sensible, yet riveting game of UNO at a local park. We did have fun with that.

Moral of the story? Heck if I know... if you're creative, daring, and punny enough, leave one in the comment box below.

How about this? Don't lead a brotha on and think ANYTHING will stop him from trying to get the cookies... no matter how sh*tty the situation.

That's enough foolishness for tonight... I'm looking forward to hearing back from my readers.


Your cybersister,

Alana

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

scandaLIESed

For shame, for shame... I've found myself in the same crappy situation. Lonely and loveless, I've given too much, and there's nothing to show for it but my tears and seething anger. I can't really decide whether to be angry with him or with myself. Since I'm an introvert I turn my anger inwards and eat too much, then eat too little, work out like a maniac, sleep all day, stir all night. I envy the extroverts who speak up for themselves and beat the fool out of their men. But either way, there's no rest and no peace because once again, I've been scandaLIESed.

Did I misspell that? Of course, but for good reason. Am I speaking of myself? Yeah, but the krazier me.... the one that couldn't make sense of simple truths about other peoples' intentions. I am no longer that person.

Too many of us find ourselves trapped by bad decisions. We're left with the guilt and embarrassment, and often, weightier consequences like unexpected children and infections. (My personal experience is that even unexpected children are a blessing, most infections can be cured with a pill, but the guilt is earth-shaking for YEARS! But the bloood of Jesus is more than enough!! *Gotta get my preach in there a little bit...*)

When I think back to those situations, and there were many for me, I come up with the same answers. Somebody somewhere told a lie... let's start with the first responsible party. You... Oops, I meant me.

  1. You lied to yourself. How many times have you gone out with a person that you weren't really attracted to just to humor them, or someone else? A good friend of mine warned me against this. If you're lonely enough you could fall in love with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and that cocky bama will still break your heart. If you think he's too tall, too short, too ugly... leave it be. Plus I recently went out with someone who made it clear he wasn't attracted to me. I didn't know he felt that way going into it the date, but I wish his blind butt hadn't wasted my time. 
  2. You've been lied to, and you believed it. The Lord rebuked me a few weeks ago for believing someone when they told me that they loved me. I knew full well that the person was not capable of love, but I accepted his good intentions as truth. That poor guy was eventually trapped by his own words when he couldn't live up to making the choice to love me on a daily basis. Who's to blame here? Well, of course, he should know better, but I'm responsible too. Just because he said it, doesn't mean I had to believe it. In fact, I should've set him straight immediately. Ladies, we set the standards for relationships, and sometimes we have to make the fellas back up. I apologized to that joker for believing him... The Lord made me do it. (He can be so unfair at times.) The joker responded "Ok... no problem. Who is this?" LOL... No apology in return, but that would just be too much like right.
  3. You tried to change the intent of something that cannot be changed, i.e. sex. "We're both adults, so we can have sex with no strings attached. I won't ask where you've been. You don't ask where I've been. No feelings allowed... Just sex." Have you seen Lord of the Rings? Sex is like the ring. It cannot be controlled. In fact, the ring controls you. No matter HOW you try to redefine the purpose, sex was made to bring to people together by uniting their bodies and souls. So believe that lie if you want, but I promise it will not end well for you. (SB: The worst men will try to convince you that they have feelings for you just to keep you in bed with them.) Don't make this agreement EVER. By the way, just sleeping with them without having that conversation automatically enrolls you into this type of relationship... for lack of a better term.
  4. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's still a snake. He seems nice, right? But his friend's list is laced with profile pics of seductive women. Or maybe you've dated him before, and it ended badly. I'm not saying don't give people a chance, but you can rest assured you're not missing anything with these types. Here's why. You're like a rabbit that needs to cross a river. Snake offers to take rabbit across, promising not to bite the rabbit. Even though rabbit is doubtful, she decides to trust snake because snake made a promise, and rabbit is good-natured and, well, trusting. Rabbit and snake get halfway across the river when snake takes a big chunk out of our naive, fluffy friend. Then snake says "You should've known I was going to bite you. I'm a snake, and that's what we do." Need I say more?
  5. You tried to change something about yourself to become more appealing. I'm not talking about physical qualities. A little lipgloss never hurt anybody. But I used to hold back some things from folks when I first met them so they wouldn't feel overwhelmed, but those were the exact things that were deal-breakers in the end. Subconsciously I knew that they weren't right for me. (Boy, am I being transparent?) So now I always tell a person that has expressed interest (or attraction) that I am a celibate woman of faith, I'm divorced, I have two children, and I'm curvy. I risk the rejection early on because if the fella knows I'm not what he wants, he wastes less of my time.

I know I've left myself wide open for judgment and criticism, but the truth must be told. Everyone makes mistakes, but women are often left feeling powerless and ashamed after letting down their guard, even when we have the best of intentions. Don't try to think like a man because you can't. Think like a woman that has good sense. Give no room to lies whether they be from you or another person because, in the end, you are the only person responsible for your well-being.

Believing the lie empowers the liar. Be bold and confront the liar, even if it's you, with the truth. The best liars mix deception with a bit of truth to draw you in. Rightly divide, and press on. If all else fails, hang up, delete, and block. No one can argue with silence.

Sisters, it's time to rip off the scarlet letters that remain from jilted love and lust. There is life beyond the foolishness we've encountered, but you have to set the framework in truth and wisdom. No more lies. No more scandals.


Two final points... not all men do these things, and some do them with good intentions. Just protect yourself from the fella with good intentions that doesn't know how to follow through. And lastly, some women pull this crap too. I'm just learning how insane some women are, so please be patient with me as I learn to present the full picture. 

Now that I've poured out, I want to hear from you. Talk to me people. Let me know you're following...


Your cybersister,

Alana

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Don't You Think It's Funny When...

This week I have made some krazy observations about the way people treat each other. So when I say this stuff is funny to me, I mean that some of these situations do make me giggle while others just boggle my mind. You sort it out.

My apologies to those who've found themselves in the pieces below.


  1. People delete you on FB, then add you back, but you never noticed they were gone. Last time I checked, social networking relationships are purely optional. I don't want to be on your friends' list unless you want me there.
  2. Someone blames you for doing something THEY did and think you're going to cover for them. This happened at a place I won't mention... but here's a clue. It's starts and ends with "ch." UR in between the "ch's". Get it?
  3. You're told what you can't do by someone less qualified. Our silly, but well-meaning associates can't see past the day. Don't let them speak into your future.
  4. An apology you receive is heartfelt, but a lie or seriously skewed. People can filter your intentions through their own. So while I think I'm enjoying a nice evening with someone I think is a friend, he thinks I'm trying to tie him down and make him marry me so he can help raise my kids. I thought women got carried away in their fantasies... This is foolishness.
  5. A person of the opposite sex gets nervous because they think you like them, but you're really just being kind. This is an official notice to all my FB & Twitter male associates. I don't want a single one of you outside of the relationship/association we currently have. That is all. If I'm nice to you, just be nice in return.
  6. The same sermon is being preached in church in different ways, but NO ONE hears the message because everyone's shouting. Thus no change takes place. Ok...maybe that's not funny. Wonder who needs to make the change here? Lord, if you could just change me...
  7. Someone begs for your company, but obviously feels the need to compete with you, i.e., talks about their strengths like you have none, tries to look better than you (good luck with that), knows more than you all of a sudden. Insecurity breeds loneliness. You shall not have any more of my time.
  8. No one wants to celebrate your success even if it means success for them as well. You don't have to believe God for me. I have enough faith for both of us.
  9. The same person you can confide in when times are tough may not be the person to have dinner and a friendly conversation with. (Yes, I know this sentence is not grammatically correct, but this is a conversational blog.)
  10. People think you're supposed to be jealous. Of? My destiny is in God. Top that!
Do I sound a little cocky?? Yeah, I feel it. But perhaps I'm just discovering the value of a person and true relationship, at whatever level it may be. Let's stop making people more than they are. While one person who's mentioned above is close to me, the others have shown me their impression of my worth. I can choose to agree and accept unkindness and mistreatment, or put them in their proper place... which is outside of my daily life and conversation.

Anything that detracts from a person's self worth is a lie. If you believe a lie, you empower the liar. Even if a person means well (as in #3 & #4), the lie cannot stand. Tell them the truth of the matter, dismiss their silliness, and carry on unaffected by their lack of understanding.

I'm one step further from the kraziness rhough people try so hard to keep me there. Ah well... such is life! Somebody pray for me. I'm sure I'll receive a little backlash from this post.

Sometimes you've just got to laugh to keep from crying...

Your cybersister,

Alana

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Lower Your Expectations: The Unwritten Dating Rules for Summer 2011

Everybody's got the bug! Summertime, hot as it may be, has us wanting to find a (not-so) special someone with which we'd like to enjoy the season's pleasures. In our desperate attempts to find the right match-up, we put up with less than the best.

Having chatted with some of my friends, male and female, here are some of the WORST unwritten (until now) rules of dating that have been displayed or said.


  1. You must have a pic to send me on-demand. And if I sext you, you sext back... no questions asked.
  2. I will classify you as boo, friend, homie, etc. I reserve the right to demote you without notice.
  3. I will romantically invite you out on a whim, but eventually I will disappear on you at regular intervals. You aren't the only one I'm entertaining.
  4. When I tell you that I love you, believe me even though you know I'm full of crap. "Real talk..."
  5. After some time away from you, I will text "I miss you." The proper response will be "I miss you too."
  6. I'm going to say hateful things to you via text and chat, but put an LOL or LLC on the end... That means you can't get mad.
  7. I will end the relationship, unofficially, when I find someone who will give it up, but I'll still text and call you in case that doesn't work out. He/she doesn't have to know.
  8. I'm only going to call late at night when my other boos aren't available. That's the best time to convince you to give me what I want.
  9. Expect to hear from me before your time of prayer and worship. You're feeling most forgiving during those times. I will also text you on generic holidays, but I'm going to forget your birthday on purpose... too expensive.
  10. Even though I know you will be done with me before long, I'm going to comment on all your photos and status updates to make sure you don't forget about me.
  11. Don't try to delete me from your phone or any social networking site. I will find out, become indignant, and harrass you elsewhere. 
  12. When all is said and done, I will self-righteously and angrily tell you all your faults and then delete you from my phone... but I've still got your email. If you ever text me, I will respond "Who is this?"
So what do you do with a person who displays such an attitude of entitlement? BLOCK! DELETE! RUN! HIDE! UNFOLLOW! DEFRIEND!

Whatever you have to do, get away! Any person who has such a sense of entitlement will only make you weary in the end.

Besides, if you're going to the beach, why take sand?

I'm coming out of krazy and staying out by avoiding those with skewed values... Here's to hoping you'll join me!


Sisterly,


Alana

Friday, May 27, 2011

Parenting Blog #1

After taking some time to think about the CHAOS I've endured at work the past month,  I’ve decided to dedicate this blog to the parents… Yep, ALL THE PARENTS! This is for the good ones who delight in their children and over-invest themselves at times and the bad ones who just leave the child-rearing to the television until all hell breaks loose and everyone else is to blame...
I’m a young parent, and perhaps you've done this longer and better than I have… but, as you probably guessed, I will speak on it anyway. One thing is certain. Parents aren’t teaching respect, kindness, and honesty to their children nor do they observe it in their own lives... and half of teaching is being the example.
If you noticed, I titled this "Parenting Blog #1" which means there will be more to follow... but for now here are a few guidelines I try to observe when raising my own children and when nurturing my students:
  1. Kids come first, but only some of the time. You do realize that one day they’re going to get up and leave you, right? That’s what they’re supposed to do! So you can’t pour ALL of yourself into them. Of course small children need much more attention, but even they can learn to sit still and talk to God quietly for a few minutes so you can have a few moments of peace. (SB: Yes, God really comes first. And if you're married, your hubby should be second... yep, he comes before the kiddos even if he acts like one of them. After all, you picked him.)
  2. You know your child best. You carried them, you watched them grow, and over time you were able to identify their gifts and challenges. Play to their strengths and teach them how to overcome their challenges. Perfection is NOT the objective, but excellence is key. My daughter loves to use lots of different colors in her artwork, and while I’d never discourage that, I do want her to stay inside the lines. Am I limiting her creativity? Not at all… I’m teaching her that she can be creative within the boundaries that she's given. We're not going to create mess and call it a masterpiece.
  3. You don’t know your child half as much as you think you do. If you've ever said "Oh, my child would NEVER do that" chances are your child DID do it and KNEW you wouldn't believe it. As children grow, they become masterful at manipulation and deceit, but we have to make it hard for them to succeed. You can pour all of your self into them, and they could still disappoint. If someone tells you something unpleasant about your child, consider the source and the possibility before becoming defensive.
  4. Right is right. If your child is right in an ugly situation, defend them.
  5. Wrong is wrong. If your child is wrong in an ugly situation, defend them, then discipline them. The "hell-naw-you're-not-about-to-embarrass-me-like-that" speech is always a good one.
  6. Divide and conquer. Most situations aren't black and white. Usually there's a mixture of feelings, perceptions, and miscommunications involved, BUT it's our job to help our children sort it all out. Children don't have all the skills they need to make the right decision every time, but they need to learn them. Start with respect and kindness because they are always RIGHT. 
  7. Life is not a Disney movie. It is my firm belief that Disney screws us all up and makes us think we can do and be anything we want. While that sounds nice and gives us warm fuzzies, I don't want a doctor who can't do basic math... and let's face it, not all of us are good at math. While I enjoy Finding Nemo and Tinkerbell as much as the next mommy (*sarcasm here*), I need to steer my kids in the direction where they are gifted. Most children have many interests, but are only good at a handful of things. Wherever you find their talents and giftings is where your child will be most confident, and confidence brings success.
  8. The other parent can do the job, too. Moms can be so critical of dads. I know I am at times... but when I disagree with something my childrens' father has done, I talk bad about him to God, then he and I discuss it. (...nasty IM ensuing...) In many ways neither one of us is right or wrong. Just a few days ago, he called to tell me that the five-year old had to write sentences for talking in class. I could hear her sobbing in the background because I had warned her that she would be punished if it happened again. Since it was his weekend, I thanked him for calling and asked him to tell her that I wasn't mad. Then I told him I felt it would be best that he handle the situation since she was with him. What a big step for me! Normally, I'd threaten to tighten up her behind when she came back home two days later... but what good would that really do? I would forget, she wouldn't, and then I'd be a pushover. (Note: It's better to be the bad guy than a pushover.)
  9. Your child is you. You ever look at your kids and wonder if you were as goofy, silly, and obnoxious as they are? The answer is YES! Go ask your parents! My son, at seven, has the same exact fears I had at seven. Briana gets in trouble for talking just like her dad did. It's undeniable, so be understanding. Consider what your parents did to raise you, and apply it if it worked. Dismiss it if it didn't.
  10. Be creative, patient, and affectionate in your child-rearing. What more is there to say?
My one little blog won't change every parents' approach to raising kids, but I hope that you will at least, being the perfect parent that you are, pass this on to someone else who is less gifted than you. (I will be soooo ticked if someone sends this to me.)
After all, those of us who are a little touched, i.e. krazy, need a little help from time to time.
Your cybersister,
Alana

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Goosebump Christianity

"See that your believing is right, and if it is, you have no reason to doubt."     -Rees Howells 
Welcome to the Belief System Checkpoint. Warning! Your toes will be stepped on. Please remove your Steve Maddens and secure your feet with a pair of steel-toed boots. Go ahead... I'll wait. Actually I need to find my own because I'm going to need them as much as you.

Now I am not pretending to be a theologist, minister, or even a philosopher. I am simply an imperfect woman who is madly and desperately in love with Jesus. Does that qualify me to make some of the statements I'm about to make? Pretty much, because I'm tired of all the foolishness we do in Jesus' name that has nothing to do with Him or His Word. Don't like it? Get your own blog, talk bad about me, and redirect the traffic to me so others can follow me too. (I said all that with a smile.)

I read my Bible pretty often, not always everyday, but at least several times a week. I don't just read the verses and keep it moving. I meditate on them... talk about it... ask questions... wait for the answers... on and on. Being a critical thinker means I have to verify that the Word someone is teaching me is the truth. Not to mention, God has blessed me with an AWESOME mentor... shoutout to Apostle Demontae... that promptly and sometimes painfully whips me into shape. He's a very patient man. :)

Over the years I've heard some krazy stuff... and the only reason I can think people would say any of it is to give folks goosebumps. I like a good goosebump and spine chill as much as the next person, but is that really evidence that GOD is in it? Too often we get caught up and sensationalize a matter and miss the point. 

So here are my top seven favorite goosebump-giving LIES that have been told to churchfolk that need to be EVICTED from our doctrine...
  1. God knows my heart, so if I do this He'll forgive me. I've said this so many times... and even now I catch myself. But if I've done something I shouldn't have, that means something bad is in my heart. And, yes, God knows that. Does it exonerate me from the consequences? Nope. Does it mean God is tolerable of my sinful nature? Absolutely not! God's grace is not a license to sin, but it will change our sinful nature to a righteous one. In the meantime, let's just call sin what it is and repent. There's provision through repentance, but not through manipulation and deceit. And the heart, above all, is deceitful. Yeah, that's Bible. 
  2. If you don't tithe, you'll lose your job. I heard this when I was church-hunting a few years ago, and I was tempted to stand up and shout "The devil is a liar!" That would've been wrong of me, so I waited until things were settled in the service and grabbed my children and our coats and rolled out. What the preacher really meant was that if the people didn't pay their tithes, he wouldn't be able to put the four-dollar-per-gallon gas in his Escalade. Other than that, I will refrain from making commentary on tithing other than to say that what I tithe is between me and God. No one needs to know how much I make per year, so that part of the envelope is left ____________. (I just lost a lot of readers.)
  3. The "RAPTURE" in general. I have always been taught that there was a rapture and one day Jesus would crack the sky and all his people would be taken out of here. About three years ago, I heard for the first time that this doctrine is questionable at best. I debated with some folks until they finally helped me understand that the word "rapture" is NOwhere in the Bible. Yes, Jesus will return but we don't know for certain if that's before or after the tribulation. The problem with this doctrine is that it makes for lazy Christians. What reason do we have to war against the kingdom of darkness if the Lord is going to show up and zap us out of here in a blink of an eye? Why would he tell us to fight? "Peter, go buy a sword so you can hold it on your big comfy sofa and watch TBN til I come and rescue you from the world the devil's made a mess of." Nope... that's not what He said. Granted, I don't want to be here when all the water turns to blood either... but if I have to, then I need to be prepared.
  4. You're not supposed to judge. I hear this so much because, yes, I'm a little judgmental. It seems the only people that know this verse are the people who don't want to do right. Yeah, I said it! Stop quoting this one Scripture if you don't believe the rest of Bible. And the Bible does say not to judge or you will bring judgment upon yourself, and, boy, is that true! But the Bible also says that we know each other by the fruits of the spirit that are produced in our lives AND one day we will judge the angels. So for me, I'm careful to pronounce my opinion as to whether a person is right or wrong, but I do speak to their actions. Simply put, some things are wrong, and I'd rather someone tell me and save my soul from hellfire than to turn their head and let me fall. Then there are folks who feel like you're judging them just simply because you want to do what's right. That's THEIR problem!
  5. A prophet's words will always confirm what God already told you. Again, I was raised to believe this, but the more I grow in the Lord, the more I discover that it isn't always true. Then again, I'm not getting words from a parking lot prophet. Sometimes when I get a word through a prophet it does confirm what God has told me. Other times it's something I've never even considered. Why would God do that? Because I'm a person that's imperfect and may miss it unless my mentor tells me... I'm not looking for God to match what I already think and make me feel all gooey inside. I'm listening for guidance and direction to make the right choices in life so I can fulfill His destiny for me. And honestly, if someone tells me what I already know, they're not much of a prophet anyway. JMHO...
  6. Name it! Claim it! Word of Faith has made this euphemism (in)famous. I grew up in a Word of Faith church. "If you want that car, go put some oil on it. Demand it from the Heavens!" But who are we to demand anything? Jesus didn't respond to the rich man who demanded He perform a miracle. He responds to those who inquire of Him in sincerity, humility, and faith. When the Lord Himself needed a divine intervention, He gave thanksgiving to the Father Who opened the Heavens, and then Jesus made a request that was within God's will. I can't imagine anything stinking more in the nostrils of the Almighty than our self-serving sense of entitlement.
  7. God, give me a sign! Oh, I know... we ALL get weak. I would looooooooove a sign right now, but signs are for nonbelievers. You do believe right? Then walk by faith! Walk in the spirit, not the flesh. He is faithful to direct and guide. Just obey each baby step... (personal rebuke embedded here). You will find confirmation as you go, but there's no sense in being a Gideon in every life situation. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for asking for a sign. Again, we're demanding God to appeal to our insecurities when He's asking us to grow up. If I asked my son to take out the trash, and he didn't do it but told me he was waiting on a sign to see if I really meant what I'd said... You get my point.
I don't mean to take your goosebumps away, but bad doctrine is a faith-breaker. If you think that God is one day going to do something that His Word never promised He would do, then you will lose faith in Him. And really, the problem is your (my) belief system. Not God.

Goosebumps are often a by-product of feeling God's presence, and the only way to guarantee that you feel it more (which is the only thing in this world that is ultimately satisfying) is to obey Him. Sometimes I don't feel Him right away when I pray for others, but once I start, He's there. He's looking for growth and initiative... much like your boss. But God pays better!

So how can we fool-proof our faith? First, read your Bible and meditate on the Word. Second, become Spirit-filled if you haven't already, and pray in the Spirit if you have. The Holy Spirit will trigger us to seek for truth when you hear something that's not quite right. Third, trust the Lord to keep you. He is able to keep us from falling.

I know I’ve said a lot, and some of it may have hurt. I’m sorry… really I am. But the wounds of a friend are valuable. I don't want you going through life believing a bunch of lies, then get to Heaven and see what could have been. No more kraziness, people... only the truth should reign in our hearts.

I'm coming out of krazy, and I'm bringing all the religious, uptight, stiff-necked, blessed and highly-favored, folks with me.... ya'll pray for me! This might be my most difficult battle yet.


Your cybersister,

Alana

Monday, May 16, 2011

How to Shamelessly Catch a Guy at the Gym

After about three months of working out regularly, I’ve taken a few notes on things women do to get a man’s attention. Some of them, as ridiculous as they are, actually work! So, ladies, if you’re looking for a special, health-conscious fella to play with this spring and summer, this is how you MIGHT catch his attention. If all else fails, at least you’ll get a good laugh at yourself.
Individually the steps aren’t so bad, but put them together, and you’re sure to make a fool of yourself…
  1. Wear the tightest, brightest workout clothes possible. To draw attention to your body of course! Whichever parts are more flattering, that’s where you put the color. So, yep, bright pink right across your super booty… that ought to grab some attention as soon as you walk in the door.
  2. Put on perfume… lots of it… in those key spots. If you’re really working out, you’re going to get a little sweaty, but nothing covers that briny scent like a double dose of Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue. Believe me… he’ll notice.
  3. Lipgloss and messy bun are a must! Ok… I do this, but for good reason. I don’t go anywhere without lipgloss anyway, and the bun keeps the hair out of my face. But a messy bun will send the message that you're there to workout, not show off. So you look “focused” but still hot. Plus you’ll need the bun when you get to step 6. Hold your horses… we’ll get there.
  4. Find a treadmill with a tv. I will explain later…. Just do it!
  5. Get on the treadmill and program the incline to the “climb the sky” setting and walk! (There’s no way you’ll get me to run on a treadmill… Have you seen the videos when people fall off? Not cute!) If you’re really working it, hold on to the top of the machine. It makes your waist look super slim… And every so often make sure you add a little jiggle or sway to your hips. You may not be able to look behind you, but I guarantee someone’s watching.
  6. Turn to ESPN and shout strategically at the tv. This is the killer move that is ONLY for women who are serious about snatching up a dude. One of my BFF’s in college discovered that a guy she liked became more interested when he thought she liked sports. She’d watch SportsCenter before visiting him, and then once she was at his house, she’d watch it again with him and scream at the bad calls along with the commentators. Yeah, he bought it. I’m not saying go this far… but if you’ve managed to land on SportsCenter or some game, then pick a side (i.e. choose a color) and yell at the tv. It’s amazing what a strategically-placed grunt can do for piquing a man’s interest.
  7. Every few minutes take down your bun and shake your hair loose. Then quickly twist it back up. Men love hair… especially if it’s real! But whatever you’re working with, shake it out a little. Then, seamlessly twist it back up into your messy bun and keep going. Something about wet, messy hair… (But beware of the sensible woman that may be next to you. She may get tired of your shameless ploys for attention and snatch you and your messy bun off the treadmill.)
  8. When you’re finished your workout, slowly bend over and streeeeeeeeeeeetch. This move is only for the advanced and serious mate-seekers. If a man stops and speaks to you after watching you bend over, ignore him. He’s no good… But yeah, you did get some attention. That’s what you wanted, right?
  9. When you’re finished, take a slow, deep sip of water and let out a big sigh when you’re finished. I actually did this one day when someone kept staring at me. I was trying to ignore him, but the water went the wrong way. I ended up choking on the water and coughing it up onto my white t-shirt. He started talking to me, and of course, I couldn’t talk back. All I could do was cover my wet, white t-shirt and get out fast.
  10. When all else fails, go get on the leg machine that works the inner and outer thighs. Do you really need to ask why?
So, ladies, you see… all you need is a little shameless behavior mixed with your womanly wiles, and you too can make a fool of yourself at the gym. Honestly, any man who is attracted by this behavior will easily be swayed when a more shameless sister comes along. So be careful of the attention you seek.
I'm seriously coming out of this kraziness, and I'm a little bit tickled when I see other women indulge in it. Here's to hoping for their sanity as well as my own...

Your cybersister,


Alana
P.S. After writing this, I observed the MOST shameless thing I've ever seen a woman do! One of the female trainers was working with a gentlemen on a weight machine. I overheard them chatting about tattoos, when she turned around, pulled up the back of her t-shirt, and revealed her *ahem* TRAMP STAMP. She proceeds to ask the man if he can read it, and bends over so he can get a better look. Poor guy... silly lady.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Why Blog?

I didn't really expect to be asked this question so many times, but the asking indicates one of the following: you're being entertained, you're being helped, or you're being offended. I apologize for the latter, but if my previous posts offended you, perhaps you should not continue to follow me. I'd be sad to lose you, but just the same, no sense in your being a glutton for punishment. The terseness will not end here.

One of my colleagues (who demanded I blog tonight) commented that I was surprisingly open and cutthroat at times. I agreed. "But if I don't show my scars and wounds, how can I help someone who's dying inside?" I can't pretend not to notice someone else's pain when I've known it so long myself. I've finally come to a place of rest in my life, and even though I don't have half of what I want or need yet, I'm content.

I'm only mildly annoyed that no one's asked me how the title of the blog originated, but perhaps my first three posts made asking the question a moot point. But back to what you did ask...

So a few years ago I wanted to start a food blog called Pro-MsQ-us Foodie... I used to be Mrs. Q. See why that won't work any more? Plus the less-than-tasteful title might give the wrong indication about who I was/used to be/might still be just a little. For that blog, I didn't do anything more than upload pics of my family. Last year at one point, one of my Facebook friends told me that I could make money from blogging if I provided ad space on my page. Again, I wanted to do it, but didn't follow through.

Last week, I don't know what changed really. I was just sitting here (in my writing spot) thinking about things and realized that I had a lot to say and no one to listen. I had spent Saturday night in the emergency room for chest pains and discovered how horrible it must be to live in physical pain everyday. I couldn't do much else but watch tv and write, and after a marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress" I opted for writing.

Simply put, I've been through a lot. I've gained perspective on a lot of issues, and though I don't have all the answers, I do have peace. I can impart that to you at the very least. Of course, I'm only qualified to speak from my own experience, and I won't presume to delve into anything else. But what I do know: family, food, faith, and failures... I will write about these things.
So what else might you expect from me in the future?

Thought-provoking, faith-building, gut-wrenching, conscience-piercing narratives of truth... I want you to take my story, apply it to your situation, and come to a new conclusion. Perhaps you don't have all the krazy quirks that I have, but in some form or another, you've got some issues too... so let's find some answers!

Whatever the topic may be, I want my readers to say at least once "I guess I never thought about it that way before." If you have that moment, share it with me. If you think I'm absolutely insane, you can share that too. If you want to comment on the quality of my writing in a negative way, tell someone else.

Which brings me to sharing... If this blog has helped you in any way, pass it on. Perhaps you know someone who's dealt with loneliness and abandonment, and there's nothing you can say to help them. Share the blog. Or maybe you know someone who's an absolute jerk when it comes to matters of the heart. Pass it on... you don't have to tell them why. Just pass me on... I've made it to Tanzania once, and I've got my fingers crossed that a few new more nations will pop up on my audience map. It doesn't matter where we are on the planet, we all deal with the same painful situations that damage our souls and make us easy prey.

So with that said, I shall continue meditating and reflecting on the things that have changed me, and when the time is right, I shall blog about them.

Join me as I take a few more steps towards a krazy-free lifestyle... And share how your kraziness is coming to an end too.


Your cyber-sister,

Alana