Entangled: The Reason You Can't Let Go

Notice that in the title I used the word can't... not won't.... because one literally lacks the power to break free.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Imagine a beautiful, colorful butterfly floating freely in a meadow. It dances across the tops of lilies and violets fulfilling its purpose in life without any care or concern in the world, but one... the search of love. In its course of duty the butterfly crosses the path of a dark, mysterious spider who weaves a silken web of words and deeds to win the butterfly's heart. Butterfly, naive as it may be, is still cautious of getting too close to the spider... after all flies get trapped with those things. Not beautiful butterflies! Nonetheless, butterfly is intrigued by spider's enticing and glistening web. What's more is that spider has eight arms with which to hold our floating friend.... and many eyes to see the need in butterfly's longing soul.

Spider entices butterfly to lean in for a kiss, and weakened by the words and gentle caresses of our savvy antagonist, butterfly finds itself trapped in spider's web. For a while, it seems nice to have another close by... But as spider closes the space between them, butterfly finds itself even more stuck in spider's web. Butterfly enjoys the feeling of security. I mean, who wants to fly freely when you can be so deeply and passionately loved and appreciated? Relishing the feeling of being wanted, butterfly spreads its wings to embrace spider and finds itself completely and overwhelmingly entangled... 

Butterfly croons "This must be love."

Notice in the tale above there are no "he's" or "she's". I realize that most of us will associate butterfly with a female, but I'm just using it to illustrate the well-meaning, but weak character who longs for love and will settle. Guys, if it makes you feel better, you can be a dragonfly.

Spider, well... you get that! Spider is the charmer that reels you, tells you all the things you want to hear, and gets you trapped! What's more is that a spider will leave you stuck in the web, build a web elsewhere, trap some other well-meaning insects, then come back to feast on your self-esteem when it's hungry.

So are you a trapped member of the lepidoptera phylum? (Nerd speak... sorry.) This entry is for those entangled and unable to let go of someone who only creates hurt and shame. Am I speaking of romantic love? Possibly... but I feel that entanglements can happen in ANY relationship. At the moment, I can say that I have female friends with which I've become far too entangled in their affairs of life. Instead of being a support system, I've become the source of life... They suck me dry!

But romantic relationships are, by far, the trickiest. How can you tell whether there's real love in place versus an unhealthy attachment of souls? Let's go back to our characters and study their habits.

1. It feels like it's meant to be even when everything goes wrong. It can feels so good to be attached that we nurture the feeling instead of the relationship. Butterfly and spider have a natural and powerful connection in nature, but theirs is a predator-prey relationship... not a partnership. Discern your purpose in spider's life. It's never to get caught in the web. 
2. You think spider's trapped in the web too, but you realize he/she is much more adept at handling sticky situations than you are. Remember that spider weaved the web. While you may think he or she is as in deep in love as you are, take note to how easily they side step when you need them. I knew a guy who would tell me a thousand times over the phone and text that he loved me, but would NEVER say it to my face. Talk about a side-stepping somebody... 
3. Spider won't leave you alone... for long. I asked this same person to leave me alone SEVERAL times. For months I didn't contact him or respond to any of his advances. He persisted all the more. I gave in for a short time, then quickly came to my senses. When I told him where he could go with all his crap, he sent me back a polite "No." LOL... Took some time but I think he's gotten trapped in his own web. What matters most is that I'm not in it with him!
4. You think of them, and they contact you. You can feel the stringy web start to vibrate your wings as spider stealthily approaches the web. ]You can literally feel the person thinking about you. Your soul knows it, and your body knows it.  Usually these kinds of connections come from sexual contact, but if you've ever made a promise to "love forever" you've opened yourself to that soul tie. Then, at times, that still small  voice may warn you to prepare yourself... because that still small voice knows that you're entangled.
5. You start weaving a web of your own. Quite possibly the most convincing evidence anyone may have of entanglement is that you become like your predator. You learn their tricks and start trapping a few empty souls of your own to feast upon. Natural animal response, right? But you're not an animal. God has equipped you with a conscience and sensibilities. Your broken heart does not permit you to break others'... 
6. You miss your floating freedom, but you don't want to let go. A true loving relationship won't stifle your inner peace and freedom. I remember sitting beside a guy and watching a movie and thinking "I wish we would just end this." I felt so boxed-in, but not because of anything he did in particular. We had just moved too fast (and this was without sex), and I felt forced to keep up the charade. When we did part ways, it was UGLY! But at least I'm free... at least I think I am. (I really am pondering this...)

I doubt that anyone who's read this can honestly say they're free from ANY entanglements. Naturally, some are good, but we must relieve ourselves of relationships that leave us empty and unsatisfied. Some of us are entangled in more than one web which truly explains why we have no inner peace or confidence. 

I didn't write all of this just to leave you dazed in your circumstances... but the first step to freedom is acknowledging that you are, indeed, entangled, and not in love. Love gives, not takes away.

So how do we become free? Well... I need more time to think about that. Until then, let's all investigate those closest to us and figure out who's got the wrong kinds of strings attached to our wings.

Love you all... and with that, I bid you goodnight.

Your cybersister,

Alana

P.S. Special thanks to my Jiminy Cricket who gave me an idea of the butterfly and spider relationship...

"He's a good man, but...."

It seems many of you are reading on the sly, but I'm proud to say I have almost 1000 hits! AND I've made it to Pakistan. Hi, Naila! And Australia... What's up, Sean? And to a few other places in Europe. I don't know who's reading there, but I'm hoping you ALL stay with me. And would you be so kind as to pass me on? :)

I have one more piece of business before I carry on with today's controversial title. I just want to make it perfectly clear that I am NOT in any way searching for romantic love. Yes, I want it, but looking for it is not the way to obtain it. Having said that, I know it's close by... I keep looking at my left ring finger expecting a big, shiny rock to blind me. Soon enough... it will happen.

So why am I writing all this kraziness? Well for one, it's therapeutic for me. Two, it may be therapeutic for you. At the very least you'll discover that you're not the only nutty person on the planet. And three, to help somebody else with my personal experiences... I didn't go through all this crap for nothing! 

But I've delayed long enough. On to the topic at hand!

I think it is EXTREMELY important to find the best in people. I try to always let a person know what I think is great about them. If he's handsome, I'll tell him. If he's smart, I'll let him know. If I've got to dig really deep to find something good to say to a person, I give them a compliment on faith. Faith kind of works like credit... you tell them what they could become to move them forward. People need to feel valued, and even though you may not be around long, it's best that you treat the other person with the utmost dignity and respect.

But!! Oh my goodness... what a big BUT (and I'm not talking about Serena's) we have to discuss!

Every person, regardless of how much good they have, has some bad. Most of us just let it hang out, while a few who want to do right try to keep it tucked away. So yes, when you spend time with someone you'll find both good and bad. But where should the line be drawn?

These are the pieces I've found in men & women that indicate there WILL be trouble up ahead. And a wise man sees trouble from a long distance and HIDES himself. You got that? Yeah, that's Bible for ya!

1. There are TOO many friends of the opposite sex. Now if the person is active in a community like church or work, you may see this trend, but that's not what I'm discussing. But if you're seeing crazy FB posts and tweets, don't ignore them. If that person is sitting beside you and trying to sneak text, don't ignore that either! (Had to get that out!) You're just one of the bunch. I guess being one of many is okay if you're not serious about settling down. But knowing how ladies can be, most of us do want that security. So if he's a good man with too many female friends (and the converse), and you can't meet those friends in a reasonable time, said person is not the one for you! In the sweetest kindest manner possible, walk away and don't look back.
2. Her or his recent past is jacked up. I know a REALLY sweet guy whose last two years have been laced with one bad decision after another. I'm in NO position to judge, and he gets the utmost respect from me because he keeps his head held high. However, just because I'm intent on remaining nonjudgmental does NOT mean that I should ignore what's going in his life. The bottom line is this. We all pay for the bad choices we make, and if you know a person consistently makes bad choices, they won't start making good ones just because you're in the picture. And unfortunately consequences can last a lifetime. How willing are you to help someone else pay the price for their wrong-doing? That's a rhetorical question that you really should take the time to answer. (Ow!)
3. He or she is seething with anger and bitterness. I know men say that women are bitter, but if you've ever met a divorced man, you'll quickly discover that they take bitterness to a whole new level. I mean... they want you to be mad at the ex-wife who cheated on them years ago. I ain't mad at her! You still love her. Go back and deal with that!
4. She or he has low self-esteem. It's easy to tell a woman with low self-esteem in most cases. I think it's safe to say 90% of us suffer from it at one time or another. But a man with low self-esteem is often very hard to identify. Here's how to tell for both sexes.... they can't accept compliments, they don't give any compliments, they don't call when they say they will, they bring up sex when it has nothing to do with anything, they claim you'll become addicted, they fall too fast and too hard, they entertain others with low self-esteem, they are a control freak, they run through several boyfriends or girlfriends in a short period of time, they do a disappearing act. Anything that exerts unnecessary power in the relationship or boosts their ego is a definite sign someone is struggling with his or her self-worth. People with self-esteem issues need to work through those problems ON THEIR OWN. Plus low self-esteem is also the leading cause of infidelity in relationships. Do I have a statistic back that up? No, I have personal experience. Good enough for you?
5. You're being blamed for issues that belong to them. This has happened to me twice today, quite possibly because I knew I needed to write about it. People play this game to manipulate. I HATE manipulation. Don't give in to this foolishness. Like I said in another post... speak the truth and end the conversation. If you can't do that, just end the conversation and don't look back. This person's feelings are not worth sparing.

I'm sure you can come up with many more negative qualities that may outweigh the good ones, but I bet they'll fall into these categories... with the exception of one. "He's a good man, but he's gay." This is quite possibly THE most disappointing of all the statements but there really isn't a darn thing you can do about any, now is there? Lol... 

My hope is that you found this entry balanced and informative. This is, by no means, male or female-bashing, but is an investigation as to why we ignore the most obvious signs of future demise. Turning a blind eye won't make the problem go away. Honor what's good in a person, but don't get caught up in what could be.

Share your thoughts... 

Your cybersister,

Alana

A Sh*tty Situation: Quite Possibly my Most Embarrassing Date Ever

Why? Because it's too funny not to tell and enough time has passed that I can laugh about it without being too embarrassed. Don't worry... precautions were taken to protect the feelings of the gentleman who will be utterly shamed and embarrassed in the story I'm about to tell. He's a nice guy, and I really don't want him to see this.

So I met this fella online via a very sketchy site introduced to me by a close family member who also had no business on the site. If I told you who the family member was, I'd be dead by morning. (Mama, NO!)

Back to the guy... He was super tall, handsome, and gentle-natured, but dumb as rocks. Normally, I find some sort of intelligence in a person and honor that, but this guy wasn't working with much at all. To put it simply, he was a muscle head. But after chatting, texting, talking, and inappropriately flirting for months, I decided to meet him anyway.

Anyone who's ever done online dating will tell you that there is a MAJOR difference between what you see and hear via electronic devices and what you see and hear in person. Well... I could say I was pretty lucky. Mr. Man was just as kind in person as he was on the phone. Unfortunately, he was twice as dense. I remember asking him a few questions and getting blank looks instead of answers. Every few minutes he'd giggle and say "Yeah, girl..." I'd just giggle back.

We ordered our lunch and ate between a few more failed attempts at intelligent conversation. He enjoyed a dish that was covered with tons of melted cheese, onions, and peppers. (Bad date food if you ask me...) I'm sure I ordered some kind of salad pretending to be health-conscious. He paid the bill, and we left... hand in hand.

On our way out of the restaurant, my date stopped to admire our reflection in the glass.

"Don't we look good together?"

I'm not sure what he saw, but my head reached a little over the top of his belly button and I thought "He's got to be kidding." My second thought was that our heights were inversely proportional to our intelligence quotients.... and I just can't be with a dumb man. (Let me qualify... there are many different ways to be intelligent, all of which are praiseworthy. Everybody has something; but if you have little to nothing, I can't work with you.) So I could see us going no where fast, yet I remained agreeable and continued to smile. There really was no reason to be ugly...

Our next stop was a movie... something action-oriented, loud, and exciting. The title? I don't remember. What I do remember, however, was his giant self squirming in the minuscule seat. We tried the cuddling thing... didn't work. I would lay my head on his shoulder, rest it a few seconds, and then he'd push me up. Not long after, I started hearing tummy gurgles so loud that they made the movie's surround sound seem a mile away. I wondered why my stomach was so active. Even if I didn't like him all that much, how embarrassing would that be for me? Then it dawned on me... squirming and gurgling... It wasn't me! It was him! (You know how it is when you're sitting close to someone, and you can't really tell whose stomach it is...) Lucky me...

Right? I mean I am lucky that it's not MY stomach gurgling. It's his... Wait a minute. This could turn into something very bad at any moment. Ain't it funny how luck turns on you?

So the movie ends, and we hop in his super clean car. He heads for the highway. I inquire as to where we're going next. He says "Just relax, and enjoy the ride."

He types into his TomTom and heads for 95 north which happened to be seriously backed up. My sensibilities kick in (kinda late, right?) and I insist to know where he's taking me and why, all of a sudden, he's acting so strange. I pushed until he answered.

"I need to use the restroom. All that cheese got to me..."

"Are you lactose intolerant?"

"Heh heh... yeah, girl."

Now I can't type what I really said to him at that moment... but here's the censored and listed version.


*Bleep*, are you serious? Why would you order something with all that cheese if you know your body can't digest it? And if it looked so good and you had to have it, why would you have it on a date? Here's a McDonald's you can go there. Why'd you pass the McDonald's? The Hardee's? Target's right around the corner. Where the heck are you going? Don't you see this traffic!

He wasn't hearing it. We crept at a mere 25 miles per hour for about 20 minutes passing several exits with blue signs showing places with available RESTROOMS. Dude was stubborn, and I was BEYOND ticked!

All I could do was plan my route of escape just in case noxious gas leaked from my date. Because is this really an IF situation? No... said person has gas, so it's not about IF he lets it out, but WHEN! The only results from a planned escape would land me stranded outside his car or half-dead inside. I started praying...

A few miles later, he takes an exit off the highway and heads to a hotel. He runs inside and tells me to wait outside. So I'm waiting... and thinking. Thinking... and waiting.

Is this some kind of game? Did he already have a room booked here? He better not ask me to come in if he does. Is he so desperate to get me inside to pull some crap like this? And since when do you have to use a pristine bathroom to do your dirty business? Why am I here? Maybe I can call a taxi back to my car...

Just as I go into another round of the same questions, my text notification sounds...

"So....you wanna get a room while we're here? ;-)"

You know what? I can't tell even anymore of this story... let's just say he and I haven't seen each other since.

I will say this... Despite the utter embarrassment and shame I felt up to that point, the rest of the date wasn't a total waste. I just had to redirect his "romantic inquiry" *gags* to a sensible, yet riveting game of UNO at a local park. We did have fun with that.

Moral of the story? Heck if I know... if you're creative, daring, and punny enough, leave one in the comment box below.

How about this? Don't lead a brotha on and think ANYTHING will stop him from trying to get the cookies... no matter how sh*tty the situation.

That's enough foolishness for tonight... I'm looking forward to hearing back from my readers.


Your cybersister,

Alana

Lower Your Expectations: The Unwritten Dating Rules for Summer 2011

Everybody's got the bug! Summertime, hot as it may be, has us wanting to find a (not-so) special someone with which we'd like to enjoy the season's pleasures. In our desperate attempts to find the right match-up, we put up with less than the best.

Having chatted with some of my friends, male and female, here are some of the WORST unwritten (until now) rules of dating that have been displayed or said.

1. You must have a pic to send me on-demand. And if I sext you, you sext back... no questions asked.
2. I will classify you as boo, friend, homie, etc. I reserve the right to demote you without notice.
3. I will romantically invite you out on a whim, but eventually I will disappear on you at regular intervals. You aren't the only one I'm entertaining.
4. When I tell you that I love you, believe me even though you know I'm full of crap. "Real talk..."
5. After some time away from you, I will text "I miss you." The proper response will be "I miss you too."
6. I'm going to say hateful things to you via text and chat, but put an LOL or LLC on the end... That means you can't get mad.
7. I will end the relationship, unofficially, when I find someone who will give it up, but I'll still text and call you in case that doesn't work out. He/she doesn't have to know.
8. I'm only going to call late at night when my other boos aren't available. That's the best time to convince you to give me what I want.
9. Expect to hear from me before your time of prayer and worship. You're feeling most forgiving during those times. I will also text you on generic holidays, but I'm going to forget your birthday on purpose... too expensive.
10. Even though I know you will be done with me before long, I'm going to comment on all your photos and status updates to make sure you don't forget about me.
11. Don't try to delete me from your phone or any social networking site. I will find out, become indignant, and harrass you elsewhere. 
12. When all is said and done, I will self-righteously and angrily tell you all your faults and then delete you from my phone... but I've still got your email. If you ever text me, I will respond "Who is this?"

So what do you do with a person who displays such an attitude of entitlement? BLOCK! DELETE! RUN! HIDE! UNFOLLOW! DEFRIEND!

Whatever you have to do, get away! Any person who has such a sense of entitlement will only make you weary in the end.

Besides, if you're going to the beach, why take sand?

I'm coming out of krazy and staying out by avoiding those with skewed values... Here's to hoping you'll join me!


Sisterly,


Alana

How to Shamelessly Catch a Guy at the Gym

After about three months of working out regularly, I’ve taken a few notes on things women do to get a man’s attention. Some of them, as ridiculous as they are, actually work! So, ladies, if you’re looking for a special, health-conscious fella to play with this spring and summer, this is how you MIGHT catch his attention. If all else fails, at least you’ll get a good laugh at yourself.

Individually the steps aren’t so bad, but put them together, and you’re sure to make a fool of yourself…

1. Wear the tightest, brightest workout clothes possible. To draw attention to your body of course! Whichever parts are more flattering, that’s where you put the color. So, yep, bright pink right across your super booty… that ought to grab some attention as soon as you walk in the door.
2. Put on perfume… lots of it… in those key spots. If you’re really working out, you’re going to get a little sweaty, but nothing covers that briny scent like a double dose of Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue. Believe me… he’ll notice.
3. Lipgloss and messy bun are a must! Ok… I do this, but for good reason. I don’t go anywhere without lipgloss anyway, and the bun keeps the hair out of my face. But a messy bun will send the message that you're there to workout, not show off. So you look “focused” but still hot. Plus you’ll need the bun when you get to step 6. Hold your horses… we’ll get there.
4. Find a treadmill with a tv. I will explain later…. Just do it!
5. Get on the treadmill and program the incline to the “climb the sky” setting and walk! (There’s no way you’ll get me to run on a treadmill… Have you seen the videos when people fall off? Not cute!) If you’re really working it, hold on to the top of the machine. It makes your waist look super slim… And every so often make sure you add a little jiggle or sway to your hips. You may not be able to look behind you, but I guarantee someone’s watching.
6. Turn to ESPN and shout strategically at the tv. This is the killer move that is ONLY for women who are serious about snatching up a dude. One of my BFF’s in college discovered that a guy she liked became more interested when he thought she liked sports. She’d watch SportsCenter before visiting him, and then once she was at his house, she’d watch it again with him and scream at the bad calls along with the commentators. Yeah, he bought it. I’m not saying go this far… but if you’ve managed to land on SportsCenter or some game, then pick a side (i.e. choose a color) and yell at the tv. It’s amazing what a strategically-placed grunt can do for piquing a man’s interest.
7. Every few minutes take down your bun and shake your hair loose. Then quickly twist it back up. Men love hair… especially if it’s real! But whatever you’re working with, shake it out a little. Then, seamlessly twist it back up into your messy bun and keep going. Something about wet, messy hair… (But beware of the sensible woman that may be next to you. She may get tired of your shameless ploys for attention and snatch you and your messy bun off the treadmill.)
8. When you’re finished your workout, slowly bend over and streeeeeeeeeeeetch. This move is only for the advanced and serious mate-seekers. If a man stops and speaks to you after watching you bend over, ignore him. He’s no good… But yeah, you did get some attention. That’s what you wanted, right?
9. When you’re finished, take a slow, deep sip of water and let out a big sigh when you’re finished. I actually did this one day when someone kept staring at me. I was trying to ignore him, but the water went the wrong way. I ended up choking on the water and coughing it up onto my white t-shirt. He started talking to me, and of course, I couldn’t talk back. All I could do was cover my wet, white t-shirt and get out fast.
10. When all else fails, go get on the leg machine that works the inner and outer thighs. Do you really need to ask why?

So, ladies, you see… all you need is a little shameless behavior mixed with your womanly wiles, and you too can make a fool of yourself at the gym. Honestly, any man who is attracted by this behavior will easily be swayed when a more shameless sister comes along. So be careful of the attention you seek.

I'm seriously coming out of this kraziness, and I'm a little bit tickled when I see other women indulge in it. Here's to hoping for their sanity as well as my own...

Your cybersister,


Alana

P.S. After writing this, I observed the MOST shameless thing I've ever seen a woman do! One of the female trainers was working with a gentlemen on a weight machine. I overheard them chatting about tattoos, when she turned around, pulled up the back of her t-shirt, and revealed her *ahem* TRAMP STAMP. She proceeds to ask the man if he can read it, and bends over so he can get a better look. Poor guy... silly lady.

Other Side of the Game

"Don't worry, baby. I know there's confusion. God's gonna see us through yeah..."

I love the tune and the soulful crooning of a lovedrunk Badu, but when I break down the lyrics (i.e. overanalyze), I wonder why so many of us women end up on the other side of an ugly game. I know she's talking about the drug game in the song, but I'm using my blogtistic license here.

It's an epidemic. Woman meets man. Man turns on game. Woman falls for game. Man reveals that he's playing and blames woman for falling because she should've known better. Woman sticks around dissatisfied, disgruntled, and disillusioned hoping for the impossible. Yeah, I know women run game too, so guys, apply accordingly.

So, ladies & gents, where do we go wrong when we meet a potential love? I could write ten steps to choosing the wrong person to love, which I'm TOTALLY qualified to do... Or I could just let Badu do the talking.

"It ain't that he don't have education cuz I was right there at his graduation."

So, he's got an education? He gets some respect for that. He works hard? That's even better! But is he demonstrating what he's learned at whatever level of education he's attained? Potential is never good enough. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those educated snobs who only talks to men with the degree qualifications that meet or exceed my own. I tend to find many highly-educated men... well, boring. But nothing's worse than a flirty brother with poor spelling, poor grammar and a lot to say. We all get those messages on Facebook that are hard to decipher. "You used to look good in high school but now you still do too." Yeah, that's in my inbox. I have yet to reply.

"But it's me and baby that he hurts."

So he loves you so much that he keeps doing what hurts you and hurts the kids too? Let me guess. He's either doing it for you or he can't help it. Badu needs to read "The Doormat People." She's an accessory to her own victimization, and the children will only resent her later.

"Because I tell him right, he thinks I'm wrong. But our love is strong."

Sorry, Badu. Even the good ones don't want to know when they're wrong. That's just the nature of a man. Even my six-year old son has to always be right. If he puts his underwear on backwards, he'll argue with me even though he can't find a way to pee straight. But there is a way to let a man know when things are starting to sour... that's another blog for another day.

"Gave me the life that I came to live."

What the heck? No, he didn't. JESUS did that! Get your priorities straight...

"Pressure's on me, but the seed is grown. I can't make it on my own."

A real man will always take the pressure OFF, and he'll never take your power away by planting seeds of insecurity. God gave man authority, but the woman has power. Wield it wisely, ladies. Never give away what God has given you!

Let's backtrack to when Erykah first met this fella. At some point she knew that he had some other stuff going on and decided  to roll the dice anyway.  Why would anyone ignore the obvious signs? Well, loneliness can get the best of us. But one thing is certain; desperation landed our beloved Badu in another bad relationship. (And when I say Badu, I mean krazy me and maybe krazy you too...) Not too long thereafter, she's telling her boo that he needs to call Tyrone...

So how do we keep ourselves on the other side of the game? If we want love, do we have to play along? I will admit I've gone out with people that I didn't really like for boredom's sake. One guy (who's reading from his iPad) posted on Facebook that a certain woman (me) was making him rethink his game. Just that admission has disqualified him from having a chance at spending anymore time with me. (Angry text ensuing...)

I've discovered a few tactics to maintaining a "game-free" life. So here goes. If you meet someone and think you might be interested...

1. Listen for what he wants. I like to know what a man ultimately wants from a relationship. Some day (not any time soon), I'd like to be married again. If he never wants to be married, then we don't have the same aspiration, and I'll end up wasting my time if I continue with him. People tend to be more honest early on because the stakes are low. Believe a person when they tell you or show you who they are.
2. Listen for how he wants it. You want to know what his religious and moral beliefs are, but other convictions matter too. Life perspective is a HUGE consideration for me. For example, I subscribe to the "Life is short, so do it right the first time" way of living. I can't be with someone who subscribes to the "Life is short, so live it up at all costs" way of living. Judgments aside, it just doesn't work.
3. Listen to how much he's saying. Does he talk too much? One of my associates talks so much that he just bores me to tears. He's a sweet guy, but boring! Does he talk too little? Ummm... did you call me so I could listen to you watch the basketball game? I have better things to do... like talk to myself. Does he do a disappearing act and a random check-up to make sure you don't forget him? Play along for fun, but don't get sucked in... LOL!
4. Listen to what he's NOT saying. Recently a fella asked me what I'd heard about him because I didn't seem to be interested. My response: "What have you done that you don't want me to know about?" Oh... and there's the guy who has options. What he's not saying is that if I don't give him what he wants, he can get it elsewhere. My response: "Use your options. Not me..."
5. Listen! That means be quiet!  Smile outside and scream inside. Think critically, but don't breathe a word of it. Instead, ask a follow-up question. And don't tell him too much about your personal convictions up front. Guys with weak game always play the "me too" game. If I say that I'm a Christian, he says "Oh yeah? Me too!"

With all of that said, there is hope for those us want the real thing. There's no need to settle for a silly player and then ask God to bless our mess. Eventually Badu had to put Tyrone out, but only after suffering more damage than any person should sustain.

I won't say that my transition to this point was quick or even easy. I won't even say that where I am now is all that much fun. It's been a while since I've been on a date that I've truly enjoyed. But what I can say is that I'm not lonely, and I enjoy possessing my soul. And when the time comes for my future husband to enter my life, I will be ready because I kept myself on the other side of very dirty and damaging game.

For those of you struggling, my heart goes out to you... Here's some encouragement from a more positive and empowering song.

I'm coming out of krazy and taking all the broken-hearted Badus with me...

Your cyber-sister,

Alana